"Think of marriage as similar to ecology. Every little part (species extinction, shrinking rain forest, oil spills, etc.) affects the operation of the earth as a whole, which in turn affects every little part. You and your spouse are complex entities made up of physiological subsystems (for example, endocrine, respiratory, excretory), as well as emotional/psychological ones (for example, unconscious process, family of origin issues, and anxiety regulation and brain functioning); in loving and living together you create a new and larger entity (marriage), which itself is part of a larger entities (extended families, communities, societies), giving rise to still larger entities...Each higher level contains parts not found in the lower one; each higher level is more than the sum of its parts or the operation of its components (p. 140)."
When we see the family in this light, we focus on how each family deals with problems rather than the "problem." So what does this look like in real life? A therapist will help you see this but I will briefly explain in my own words. A real-life situation might play out like this fictional scenario...
Scenario: A couple brings their "problem teenager" who has been frequently sneaking out of the house to a marriage and family therapist. The parents describe all the bad behaviors of their daughter and then say, "here she is--fix her!" But if you look at problems through a family systems theory lens you don't worry about "fixing" the daughter. Instead you peer into how each family member interacts with each other and how they resolve problems and stress in their family so that harmful patterns can be stopped. A therapist will try to fix the errors within the family system. Ironically, the teenage daughter could be the most stable one in the family system. She's just the only one who is visibly expressing anxiety or tension in the family system. A kid sneaking out of the house may say more about the parents and the family system than the kid. Dr. Bowen gives us more clarity on this idea by explaining it this way:
Keep in mind that conflict within the family system is normal and even healthy. It's how we resolve conflicts that counts. And if we are conflict-avoidant, then healing relationships cannot take place.
*If you are looking for a therapist (who uses the family systems theory) for your marriage, here is a good source for sifting through therapists who have been trained in couple's counseling: http://couplestherapyinc.com/how-to-choose-a-couples-therapist/
