Sadness & Anger are Allowed in My Home: How to Nurture an Emotionally Honest Atmosphere

A close friend shared with me how she often feels judged when she's sad and feels like others try to fix her instead of just letting her be sad. This has probably been a true scenario for all of us.

Normalizing Normal Emotions

Nobody wants people to try to fix them and no one wants to be told to be happy when they're in the midst of emotional pain. These feelings are real and when we are asked to snap out of it then it sends the message that our feelings aren't real or important. This is very invalidating. 

My husband stacked these rocks in this picture below. Whenever the rocks fall people will say, "oh no!" but my husband just grins and says, "that's part of the fun. It's okay if they fall." 

Sometimes we aren't okay with the idea of not being balanced. We want to look like we have it all together and are functioning normally. But the truth is, we fall at times and that's important to grasp because it means we're human. There is no shame in falling. In fact, it's normal and healthy!

Kayrn Hall, PhD, suggests in her article Understanding Validation: A Way to Communicate Acceptance why we mask our feelings and how to change that.

"People may mask their feelings because they have learned that others don't react well to their sensitivity. This masking can lead to not acknowledging their feelings even to themselves, which makes the emotions more difficult to manage. Being able to accurately label feelings is an important step to being able to regulate them.

When someone is describing a situation, notice their emotional state. Then either name the emotions you hear or guess at what the person might be feeling." Hall is describing what is called Emotional Intelligence. The more emotional intelligent we become, the better we will be at regulating our emotions and building resilience.

Because my husband and I are working on being an "emotion coach" for my daughter, when she cries we are trying to stop saying, "Don't be sad." Instead, we're are practicing saying things like

• "You're sad"
• "I'm here"
• "We're on your side"
• "That's hard"

Or we try to just be silent and sit with her in her sadness. Recently, my little toddler has been having BIG feelings and having a hard time so it's been extra hard for me to practice being present and connected with her during these moments. My husband is sooo good at implementing this. But it's a struggle for me to validate the feelings of my screaming daughter. It's HARD work to live the concepts of emotional intelligence but I feel like it's a respectful and gentle way to treat yourself and others. 

Lesson's From Pooh Bear

I recently saw this meme on Facebook:

I loved this insight about Pooh, Eyeore and their friends. They love and accept Eyeore as he is. They allow Eyeore to be emotionally honest. 

This post is not about depression. But it is about creating an emotionally safe place for people when they feel any emotions. As a society, we are uncomfortable when people aren't happy. This may be because we don't like to watch people suffer or we don't know what to do. It can be awkward and tricky but as we intentionally try to let people and ourselves feel then people will not have to suffer in isolation.

Don't Freak Out

When people come to you and are emotionally honest (this includes being depressed, having *suicidal thoughts, etc) they are reaching out to you for help/comfort. Instead of freaking out (because it is scary) try to sit with them in their pain. Try to be calm, ask questions and seek for understanding. Validate their feelings and hold them (if they feel comfortable with that). When we freak out in these situations then the person (or kid) feels like they can't come to us when they're suffering. They might feel like they aren't emotionally safe with us. 

If we feel sad (or angry or lonely, etc.) then we aren't broken--we are human! So when people around us are having these BIG feelings--let them. Sit with them in their sadness or whatever feelings they are experiencing. Be present. You can validate their pain ("that sucks"). You can also sit there silently with them and accept them for who they are. 

Sigh

A lot of my friends are therapists and I've heard that sometimes they refer their clients to the Disney movie Insideout because it teaches us how all emotions have a purpose. In fact, 

Sadness can create an opportunity to connect with someone.

My husband always tears up at the end of this movie when the daughter, Riley comes home sobbing and apologizing to her parents that she can't always be their happy little girl. She honestly states how she feels--she misses her old town and friends. After this, Riley and her parents lovingly embrace and Riley lets out a healing sigh. You know that powerful sigh after you've had BIG feelings and a big cry? That sigh is the end of the emotion tunnel. It's a good feeling, but we often don't let others get that far or we don't allow ourselves to go there. 

Here is some more insight from Karyn Hall if you are having these intense feelings. Hall explains, "Being present for yourself means acknowledging your internal experience and sitting with it rather than "running away" from it, avoiding it, or pushing it away. Sitting with intense emotion is not easy. Even happiness or excitement can feel uncomfortable at times."

The Do Not's

Here's an example from the Comedian, Brian Regan on what not to do: 

This silly clip reminds us to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and try to react how we would want someone to react if it were us experiencing a hardship. 

Don't:

• Ask her if she's on her period
• Name all of their blessings (this might make them feel guilty for having these real feelings)
• Tell them you know how they feel
• Make them feel like they can't feel (have BIG emotions) around you

Then What Can We Do?

John Gottman, a renowned therapist gives these suggestions and teaches us how to emotion coach our kids in his book, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. Although this book is for parents and their children, the concepts can be applied in any relationship. Gottman says to,

• "Be aware of a child's emotions
• Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
• Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings
• Label emotions in words a child can understand
• Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation"

Please know that there is no shame in seeking professional help. There are professionals for a reason and reaching out for help is a normal thing to do. We need to put away the stigma of getting emotional help. We let people go to the doctor when they break a leg, so we shouldn't be surprised when people reach out for emotional help. *If you are having suicidal thoughts, here is a suicide prevention hotline: 

References

• https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201204/understanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance
• Gottman, J. (2011). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. Simon and Schuster.
• https://pickanytwo.net/the-train-analogy-that-will-change-how-you-see-your-crying-child/
• Runkel, H. E. (2008). Screamfree parenting: The revolutionary approach to raising your kids by keeping your cool. WaterBrook Press.

The Art of Disagreeing

"There's something wrong if you're always right." --Arnold H. Glasgow, Psychologist 

"It's okay to disagree" has been my mantra this year. It's hard for me to be okay with disagreeing...but I'm working on it. For the longest time I felt like if you disagreed with someone then you couldn't be friends anymore. And other times I felt if I disagreed with someone then they were an idiot because if I was "right" then they were "wrong."

Ben & Jimmy are pros at disagreeing. Ben thinks you should plan 
everything one day in advance (aka: never plan) and Jimmy thinks you should plan
 everything 5 years in advance. It's a miracle that they are even 
still friends after discussing such a controversial topic!

I've come to learn that putting the relationship first is more important than being "right." And the word, "right" is often so arbitrary that there might not always be a "right" in every topic, just a different perspective because things are rarely as black and white as we may think. Our thoughts, values, emotions and experiences are valid. But just because ours are so real and valid doesn't make other peoples thoughts, emotions, etc. invalid. In my opinion, the biggest thing dividing our country, communities and families is that we are uncomfortable with disagreeing. I know I am. But I have three goals that I'm working on to help me become better at being okay with disagreeing.

Image retreved from jolenemottern.com 

Goal #1. Be Curious 
Instead of panicking when you hear a different (or scary) view, try being curious instead. Sometimes I feel like people could care less about what I think, they just want to persuade me to think how they do. For me, this is disheartening and makes me want to shut down and never share again. By being curious we could ask someone, why they think/feel that way. And if we ask them with the intent to understand them, rather than to figure out how to teach them they are wrong, then this will strengthen the relationship instead of crushing it.

Remember, curiosity is about learning from the other person's perspective--it's not about agreeing with them or getting them to agree with you. While I was talking to friend about this she mentioned how curiosity takes compassion. This is true. If we are curious then we care about the other person's thoughts. Curiosity is also the ability to let go of the strong urge to change people. This leads us to Goal #2.

Goal #2. Try to Change Yourself, Not Others
Sometimes we fool ourselves by believing that we can change people. When people are different we might be tempted to change them to ease our anxieties because they are making us feel uncomfortable. I've done this many times to others throughout my life. My little brother shared something his therapist taught him recently on this topic. His therapist explained how there are three businesses: 1. A Higher Power's (or God's) business, 2. Other people's business and 3. Your business. Sometimes we get so much anxiety over things we cannot control (others and the Higher Power). The anxiety stems from the urge to change (or control) other people's and the Higher Power's business. A huge burden is lifted when we accept that we can only control/change how we react and think. Books like The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute or ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel, MFT teach concepts on how to focus and work on ourselves instead of trying to change things that are out of our control.

Goal #3. Listen to People's Stories
I've found it easier to love and accept others when I hear their stories and experiences. When we hear people's stories we create a connection with them. When we listen with a sincere intent then people are no longer idiots to us--they become human to us. Something to keep in mind is that just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean you can't accept their feelings and stories as valid. For more tips on how to accept and validate others even when you don't agree with them, read this powerful article on this link.

Recap
By refraining from being reactive we will be better equipped to simply listen with an open and curious heart. This will strengthen relationships. Remember, we don't have to worry about where others are at, we can turn inward and focus on ourselves--our own weaknesses and growth. If you're in a bubble of like-minded people, try stepping out of that bubble into the unknown and expose yourself to different people. Listen to their stories. I believe this will close the dividing gap in our country and ultimately erase the "We vs. Them" mentality.

We need more Ron Swanson's and Leslie Knope's--people who think very differently, yet work together for the greater good.

Retrieved from digitalspy.com

And we all disagreed, happily ever after. 

References 

• Runkel, H. E. (2008). Screamfree parenting: The revolutionary approach to raising your kids by keeping your cool. WaterBrook Press.
• Marbach, C. R. (2007). Book Review: The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict (2006). The Arbinger Institute (J. Ferrell, D. Boyce, et al.), San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler, 250 pages, US $22.95. Reviewed by Christina R. Marbach. The Family Journal, 15(4), 430-430.
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201204/understanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance
• https://mormondom.com/why-people-leave-the-church-and-never-come-back-410e3e817a3a?gi=af4ac8767b06
• Netflix series, Parks & Recreation
• Hochschild, A. R. (2016). Strangers in their own land: Anger and mourning on the American right. New Press, The.