The Art of Disagreeing

"There's something wrong if you're always right." --Arnold H. Glasgow, Psychologist 

"It's okay to disagree" has been my mantra this year. It's hard for me to be okay with disagreeing...but I'm working on it. For the longest time I felt like if you disagreed with someone then you couldn't be friends anymore. And other times I felt if I disagreed with someone then they were an idiot because if I was "right" then they were "wrong."

Ben & Jimmy are pros at disagreeing. Ben thinks you should plan 
everything one day in advance (aka: never plan) and Jimmy thinks you should plan
 everything 5 years in advance. It's a miracle that they are even 
still friends after discussing such a controversial topic!

I've come to learn that putting the relationship first is more important than being "right." And the word, "right" is often so arbitrary that there might not always be a "right" in every topic, just a different perspective because things are rarely as black and white as we may think. Our thoughts, values, emotions and experiences are valid. But just because ours are so real and valid doesn't make other peoples thoughts, emotions, etc. invalid. In my opinion, the biggest thing dividing our country, communities and families is that we are uncomfortable with disagreeing. I know I am. But I have three goals that I'm working on to help me become better at being okay with disagreeing.

Image retreved from jolenemottern.com 

Goal #1. Be Curious 
Instead of panicking when you hear a different (or scary) view, try being curious instead. Sometimes I feel like people could care less about what I think, they just want to persuade me to think how they do. For me, this is disheartening and makes me want to shut down and never share again. By being curious we could ask someone, why they think/feel that way. And if we ask them with the intent to understand them, rather than to figure out how to teach them they are wrong, then this will strengthen the relationship instead of crushing it.

Remember, curiosity is about learning from the other person's perspective--it's not about agreeing with them or getting them to agree with you. While I was talking to friend about this she mentioned how curiosity takes compassion. This is true. If we are curious then we care about the other person's thoughts. Curiosity is also the ability to let go of the strong urge to change people. This leads us to Goal #2.

Goal #2. Try to Change Yourself, Not Others
Sometimes we fool ourselves by believing that we can change people. When people are different we might be tempted to change them to ease our anxieties because they are making us feel uncomfortable. I've done this many times to others throughout my life. My little brother shared something his therapist taught him recently on this topic. His therapist explained how there are three businesses: 1. A Higher Power's (or God's) business, 2. Other people's business and 3. Your business. Sometimes we get so much anxiety over things we cannot control (others and the Higher Power). The anxiety stems from the urge to change (or control) other people's and the Higher Power's business. A huge burden is lifted when we accept that we can only control/change how we react and think. Books like The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute or ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel, MFT teach concepts on how to focus and work on ourselves instead of trying to change things that are out of our control.

Goal #3. Listen to People's Stories
I've found it easier to love and accept others when I hear their stories and experiences. When we hear people's stories we create a connection with them. When we listen with a sincere intent then people are no longer idiots to us--they become human to us. Something to keep in mind is that just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean you can't accept their feelings and stories as valid. For more tips on how to accept and validate others even when you don't agree with them, read this powerful article on this link.

Recap
By refraining from being reactive we will be better equipped to simply listen with an open and curious heart. This will strengthen relationships. Remember, we don't have to worry about where others are at, we can turn inward and focus on ourselves--our own weaknesses and growth. If you're in a bubble of like-minded people, try stepping out of that bubble into the unknown and expose yourself to different people. Listen to their stories. I believe this will close the dividing gap in our country and ultimately erase the "We vs. Them" mentality.

We need more Ron Swanson's and Leslie Knope's--people who think very differently, yet work together for the greater good.

Retrieved from digitalspy.com

And we all disagreed, happily ever after. 

References 

• Runkel, H. E. (2008). Screamfree parenting: The revolutionary approach to raising your kids by keeping your cool. WaterBrook Press.
• Marbach, C. R. (2007). Book Review: The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict (2006). The Arbinger Institute (J. Ferrell, D. Boyce, et al.), San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler, 250 pages, US $22.95. Reviewed by Christina R. Marbach. The Family Journal, 15(4), 430-430.
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201204/understanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance
• https://mormondom.com/why-people-leave-the-church-and-never-come-back-410e3e817a3a?gi=af4ac8767b06
• Netflix series, Parks & Recreation
• Hochschild, A. R. (2016). Strangers in their own land: Anger and mourning on the American right. New Press, The.