Life After Having a Baby

After a couple has had a baby it is a HUMONGOUS transition. It's all new, scary, fun, exciting and exhausting. I have compiled some personal suggestions along with some observations from parenting resources that will hopefully come in handy for new parents. Of course, every family is different and five tips won't solve all your problems--but hopefully it will lighten your stress load.

1. Breastfeeding 

If you choose to breastfeed, here are some things to expect: Breastfeeding may decrease the mother's sex desire. According to Susan Kellogg Spadt, CRNP, PhD, low sex desire during months of breastfeeding happens for a few reasons. One reason is because both parents are fatigued and probably stressed. In addition to this, estrogen levels are lower and prolactin levels increase while breastfeeding. And last of all, nursing mother's may not have the desire for sex due to the frequent physical touch and contact with their baby. The good news is that this won't last forever and your marriage isn't going to pieces, the mother just might not feel like herself until she weans her baby. In the meantime, find other ways to be intimate with your partner. 

2. Postpartum Depression

I don't struggle with chronic depression, but after having a baby I had some moments of depression. My baby went through a period of purple crying phase when she was a newborn. One day during this stressful time me and my baby were bawling and I felt like I was swallowed in a dark hole. I remember thinking, I should leave my baby and my husband and never come back. I felt guilty for thinking this and called my husband and told him to quickly come home. Another time I felt a dark fog over me and had to get out of the house so I drove to my friend's house even though it was early in the morning and we sat and talked and she was able to be there for me. Reaching out is hardest and best thing you can do when you're depressed. These feelings are normal and they don't mean you're broken or bad. Not everyone will experience this, but just know that it's normal and talk to someone you are close to about. If people offer to help--let them help and if they don't offer then ask them. 

3. Find a Niche

If you decide to be a stay-at-home mom (or dad) a niche is necessary. Remember, motherhood (and fatherhood) is one aspect of who you are--it's not all of who you are. Whether it's getting a job, taking college classes, volunteering, excelling in a hobby or having regular scheduled playdates--you will need to find something other than being with the kids for your own emotional health and sanity. Try to find something you are passionate about and something you can work towards. 

4. Schedule Alone Time

In addition to having a niche, make sure you get alone time as a couple (date night) and alone time as a parent. My husband is working part time and he's a full time graduate student and I am a stay-at-home mom. Because I'm with our daughter all day every day we have created a plan that works for us so I can look forward to my scheduled alone time--ALL BY MYSELF! Alone time and a niche can help you reset instead of resenting your partner and kids. Don't get me wrong, we still have our moments, but this is just one way to decrease scary mommy or scary daddy syndrome.   

5. Read a Parenting book together as a Couple

Below are my top five parenting books...

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman 

Screamfree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn 

The Myth of the Spoiled Child by Alfie Kohn 

6. Find a Couple Project

To maintain connection with your partner, find rituals and projects to accomplish together. This can be exercising, writing a book together, building something, decorating your new house, gardening, etc. For more ideas about this, read Take Back Your Marriage by William J. Doherty