Friday, January 26, 2018

A Heart to Heart Listen With My Brother


Preface
Last year I interviewed my brother, Ben. Ben was vulnerable and brave enough to help with this post and answer my questions. Please be kind and respectful. Just pretend like Jesus or a cute baby sloth are sitting next to you while you read this.😇 
Ben's answers to my questions were raw and not prepared in advance. My purpose for this post is to help people be more self-aware and sensitive to the LGBTQ community and to gain empathy for others. This is not meant to explain everyone's experience in the LGBTQ community. This is just one gay man's experience of growing up Mormon. I hope you find this insightful. Thank you Ben for your courage. Love, Sarah

*At the end of this article are resources for LGBTQ youth and their family members & friends in the context of their faith.  

Me: Describe your childhood

Ben: I'd say I had a pretty normal childhood...an interesting one, but I think everyone does. I have one brother and five sisters. I remember thinking that I was not normal because I liked to pretend like I was a mermaid with my friend who was a girl. I liked to play with Barbies and dolls and all the other boys were playing cops and robbers. But cops and robbers never seemed as fun to me.   
Me (10), Ben (5) & Jordan (8)
I remember being made fun of for playing with dolls. One time when I was really young I was drawing princesses and flowers and a concerned adult suggested to me, "why don't you draw boy things like trucks or something?" For me in that moment I thought to myself, what I'm doing is not okay. I didn't know why but I knew it was something that concerned most adults in my life. It was the strangest thing. I thought, why would I draw cars and bugs? That wasn't appealing. 

Who I am is not okay is what I began to think. This was when I was five or six years old. 

Then when I was around six or seven years old, I wished I was a girl.
For years that was a huge, umm, secret and desire of my childhood life. My thought was that if I was a girl, then everyone would just leave me alone and let me be myself. If I was a girl then I would be socially accepted and socially understood. Don't get me wrong,  growing up my life wasn't a huge drama fest. As a kid we don't think, "My life sucks!" I always had food on my plate and although I didn't always have understanding, I had love. 
Ben (4) 
I guess the next major transition or "ah-ha" moment in my life was when I was 12. During that time I went on my first camping trip. As we were heading out I was talking with my guy friends (the other bear scouts). On those trips I never felt like I was understood and I knew I was the odd ball. I remember telling my friends that I wanted to be an opera singer when I grew up and they all laughed at me and thought it was funny. And I thought, yeah, I guess I'm kind of strange for wanting that. 😟

I went on my first [week-long] camping trip with the scouts. That was my first experience with public showers (I was homeschooled). It was also my first time being naked in front of other guys. I remember being timid and shy while I was trying hide my [body] parts because I felt so awkward. I remember one of the kids was being goofy and making a big deal out of it and I remember being sooooo uncomfortable by this experience. I was screaming inside, AHHH!! ALL THESE GUYS ARE NAKED!!😖

 Me: To put myself in your shoes, this would be like me as a 12 year old Mormon girl showering with a bunch of 12 year old boys--I would have died! 😭 I didn't even like to undress in front of other girls when I was that age. 

 Ben: Yeah, it was pretty bad. Looking back, I don't remember an exact moment of thinking, guys are hot but that was when I began to be curious about boys. And then I do remember moments of discovery of knowing that I wasn't like the other guys while I was in community plays.  

Me: Describe your hometown

Ben: I grew up in Pima, AZ--basically from birth to 19 years old. It's a small town in Southeastern Arizona. At least 50% of the town are from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon). It is a very conservative town. It was a really safe and a good place to raise kids. I remember being out past dark as a kid. It was an ideal area. Everyone felt safe and everyone knew everyone. It was a farming and mining town with a lot of farmers, cowboys and ranchers. 
Growing up in this town there were very strong masculine and patriarchal roles. To be a guy in Pima, AZ meant you needed to be athletic, outdoorsy, macho, etc. I didn't feel like I fit into those male stereotypes.

 I played the piano and did drama growing up. I struggled with this gender dysphoria. I remember going to a youth camp called Youth For Freedom and I remember that was the first time that I was truly understood on an emotional level. There was a huge level of love and acceptance there. Things they taught me there were Emotional Intelligence. I was like, okay, this is helpful--this is supportive. 

 I remember trying to implement principles of emotional intelligence in my groups of friends. I was trying to be that person that was there for people. As I reached out, others would reach back to me. Looking back, a lot of what I went through, was perfect for me. 

Me: What were your feelings about realizing you were gay at the time?

Ben: Umm, well I don't remember having a moment of "Oh, I'm gay!" 👬

Me: Haha. Yeah, I guess that was a silly question. I know this isn't something you chose because I didn't choose to be heterosexual. I don't recall a time when I realized that I was heterosexual either so I don't know why I assumed you would know when the exact moment of "I'm gay" hit you. 👫Okay, maybe talk about just thoughts and feelings in general during your teenage years.

 Ben: During puberty I started noticing that I was attracted to the male species.😏 (smiles). I remember while doing plays one of the guys put his hand on my leg and he was just goofing around. 
And I remember pausing and thinking, what do I do? And he was like, "You're supposed to move my hand away--that's gay!" And I was like thinking, "oh, that's gay." Then I felt resentful, like "you're gay, you're the one who did that to me!"😒

Me: How old were you?

Ben: I think I was 15.

Me: Since you've come out as gay, what has been helpful? What resources have had the greatest impact for you?

Ben:John Gottman, Brene' Brown and Byron Katie.When I came out, my brother asked me, "Ben, what would be helpful?" I appreciated that. Sincerely asking "why?" makes all the difference. Seeking to understand me rather than to fix or change me helps me feel loved. Therapy has been healing too. 

Me: How else do you feel loved?💗

 Ben: Umm...I feel like people experience love in different ways. For me, love is about being accepted. Loving what is, is I guess the next level of love. Love is not about how someone behaves--it's about letting go of how we want them to respond and letting go of our expectations of how we want them to respond and accepting what is. 

 The people I have felt the most love from are those who support me for who I am and that's because it's easier to receive love from those who affirm you and your identity. I also receive love through physical touch and it's not just about the touch alone but it's how sincere people's physical touch is. 

 Touch is very healing. Someone told me a story of a daughter who was super clingy to her mom wherever she went. After some time, the mother tried something different. Instead of pushing the daughter away, the mother reciprocated that love and held her until her daughter's cup was full. And when her cup was full, the daughter wasn't clingy anymore. Love is staying with the person until their cup is full...💕not just giving them a drop. It's recognizing that they have needs and recognizing that we can give it to them. It will feel complete when it's over. This is based on the act of holding until they let go.  

Me: What advice would you give to other LGBTQ youth & adults?

Ben: Timing is yours. Do not ever let anyone pressure you into anything--whether it's holding you back or pushing you forward. You know when the time to come out is right for you. There is safety in this advice--emotional, mental and physical safety. 

 I would not have had the safety and support I have now if I would have come out sooner than I did. For you youth, if you're out or not, you know when it's time to proclaim it to the world. Seek therapy. Seek help. Talk to someone you trust when it's time.

Me: What advice would you give to loved ones of the LGBTQ community?

Ben: We do not feel understood. We do not get asked, "Why?" enough. Ask me what it's like to be me. Ask me about my journey. Be careful how you treat those who don't fit in. You have no idea how many people in the queer community are breaking inside and crave to be loved.  

 One of hardest things for me is when I came out some people would quickly try to fix me. My heart hurt so much and having people try to fix me was not what I needed. I had been reading all of the scriptures and talks that they sent me my entire life (crying). I didn't feel good enough unless I was praying to God or talking to a safe friend. I realize now that people emotionally struggle and deal with things in their own way when a loved one comes out to them. 

 Be careful what you post on Facebook and social media and please be careful of what kind of jokes you say. When people know I'm gay and use dehumanizing language about us [members of the queer community] it's like a jab in the front. Whether it was meant to be mean or not--it's a jab in the front. But when people don't know I'm gay and I hear them joke about gay people--their hurtful words make me feel like I'm being stabbed in the back. Not because it's mean or rude...but because they have no idea that what they are saying is about me. 
I know people aren't trying to hurt me on purpose. In fact, most people who have hurt me, have done so unintentionally. Because of this, my plea is for others to please be conscientious of what they say. Be self-aware. Remember, insensitive jokes and beliefs are hurtful for the person saying and believing them too.   

Me: What advice would you give to local church leaders who have gay members in their congregation?
Ben: There's a term in psychology called the Savior Complex--it's basically when you try to save someone. That is not your job title. (Me: Right, only Jesus is qualified for that job 😉)
Ben: What church leaders can do in any situation is give a listening ear. No one will ever change because of the advice you give. No one will ever change because you logically prove to them that they are wrong. People change because they feel your love. And church leaders change because they love. 
If God is love then the only thing we need to worry about is asking ourselves, "How can I love this person in front of me? How can I help them feel understood? How can I help them feel valued? How can I help their emotions feel validated?" Because when people feel validated then they make the decisions that are best for them. When it comes down to it, we are not God. We cannot claim that our relationship with God is better than their relationship with God. Christ spent most of his time with sinners. The church is a hospital. We do not want to drive away people who are struggling. Be kind. Seek to understand. Seek to love. 

 The Wildflower Analogy
Ben: You know there is so much that we don't know about homosexuality. What it is and what it isn't. The most difficult experience about my journey is that I feel like people on both [political] sides are fighting over me and I'm in no man's land. Here they are fighting about me and all I want to do is to be my authentic self, walk on this lovely path and pick pretty wildflowers. 

Ben resides in Utah. He has come out to family and friends over the years and four months ago he came out to his Facebook friends in a touching and emotional video. He decided to come out on Facebook because his heart goes out to all the LGBTQ youth who have been kicked out of their homes (a large percentage of people in Utah are homeless and most of them are youth, 20-40% are LGBTQ youth). Suicide and homelessness for LGBTQ youth is a public health crisis in Utah. From January - September, 2017 there were 425 suicides in Utah. In Utah, the youth suicide rate has tripled since 2007 and is now the leading cause of death in 10 to 17 year olds. Youth who are rejected by their family are 8 times higher at risk of suicide. Ben is trying to help the youth in Utah as much as he can through local volunteer work and also by working as a Session Director for Youth For Freedom.  See resources below on how to strengthen relationships between LGBTQ youth and their families in the context of their faith.

Brene' Brown, a prominent researcher on shame, courage, empathy and vulnerability gives insight on the importance of belonging in our families in her newest book: "Even in the context of suffering--poverty, violence, human rights violations--not belonging in our families is still one of the most dangerous hurts. That's because it has the power to break our heart, our spirit, and our sense of self-worth. It broke all three for me. And when those things break, there are only three outcomes, something I've borne witness to in my life and in my work:
1. You live in constant pain and seek relief by numbing it and/or inflicting it on others.
2. You deny your pain, and your denial ensures that you pass it on to those around you down to your children; or
3. You find the courage to own the pain and develop a level of empathy and compassion for yourself and others that allows you to spot hurt in the world in a unique way"

*Resources 
References mentioned in blog post

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Thursday, December 14, 2017

Millennials: The Special Little Snowflakes

"Kids these days...they are so lazy and disrespectful." 😒

I've heard this said a time or two about millennials. As a millennial myself, phrases like this aren't my favorite.

This Summer I read a book by Alfie Kohn called The Myth of the Spoiled Child. Because I nerd on paradigm changers--Kohn's books are always a fun read for me. In the book mentioned above, Kohn deflates the notion that all millennials are selfish and lazy, etc. He doesn't say this isn't true, but rather he points out how there is no evidence which shows millennials as idle and self-centered. This is just a belief that journalist and adults have run with even though there's nothing to back up this claim. But the evidence does show a pattern that surprised me. 

Kohn brought to my attention how all older generations complain about younger generations as being selfish and lazy--even though that might not always be true. For instance, baby boomers were called hippies and dropouts by their parents, "GenXers were labeled as slackers" (p. 25).

Even back in Socrates time, he complained about children and youth by lamenting, "Children today love luxury too much...and have no respect for their elders" (p. 16). So even though we've met kids, youth and millennials who fit this description doesn't mean they are all like this.
Older generations just have a pattern of complaining about youngsters. I'm grateful for all the millennials in my life.  The one's I know are gutsy activists who are willing speak up for those who don't have a voice.  And let's face it--no matter who we are, all of us are lazy and self-centered at times. So let's do everyone a favor by not being too hasty with stereotypes.😘 
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Sunday, December 10, 2017

Tis' The Season To Be Changed: The 24 Books That Changed Me This Year

"Twas I; But Tis' Not I" - William Shakespeare, As You Like It 

My goal this year was to read 24 books. I accomplished that goal last week. Although this year was hard for me, I am grateful that I was able to ground myself in good literature so I could glean courage and hope from the books I read.

These books healed my soul this year and changed me. I believe they made me a better person or at least inspired me to be more empathetic with others. So here are some blurbs from my books that ignited my desire to help others and try harder to be brave.

Thanks Jenny for taking this picture. :) 

My 2017 Booklist

1. The Last of the Mohicans by James Fenimore Cooper - This book reminded me of how the culture back then maintained the narrative that we were superior to the Native Americans. I know some of these racial problems have carried over into our current day and still have not been resolved. I am committed to being sensitive to these issues.  

2. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson - This reminded me of how I can be two things at once, even if they seem conflicting (i.e. I am certain yet ambiguous, strong yet scared, kind yet firm or vulnerable, yet courageous). 

3. Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen - I learned that it's hard in a relationship when only one of you are growing and changing while the other is just staying the same. 

4. The Myth of the Spoiled Child by Alfie Kohn - "Unconditional love corresponds to one of the deepest longings, not only of the child, but every human being; on the other hand, to be loved because of one's merit, because one deserves it, always leaves doubt; maybe I did not please the person I want to love me, maybe this, or that--there is always fear that love could disappear. Furthermore, "deserved" love easily leaves a bitter feeling that one is not loved for oneself, that one is loved only because one pleases, that one is in the last analysis, not loved at all but used."
- Erich Fromm.

5. The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis - The Devil's patient becomes a Christian and the Devil knows he can still have hold of his patient because of the church. In the church, the patient think's everyone will be spiritual, pure and ideal, but the patient is disappointed to find the "oily grocer" or his regular sinning neighbor's at church. I liked this portion because it taught me that church is a hospital for sinner's, not a spa for saints. I am in my community to love and to help--not to judge. I am weak and imperfect, therefore everyone else is. We can grow together.
By Brene' Brown
 6. When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner - This helped me change how I view God. I don't think He throws challenges and tests at us in order to teach us a lesson--I think God's role is more of a loving Father who holds me when I'm feeling broken or hurt. He gives me freedom to choose and is there for me when I mess up. 

7. The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute - This book helped me understand the importance of trying to change myself--not others. It takes way too much responsibility, anxiety and energy to try to fix people and change them. I can't and shouldn't control people and their behaviors. But I should control my behavior and work on myself. This brings me peace.  

8. David & Goliath by Malcom Gladwell - This really heightened my sensitivity and awareness of people who are marginalized. I'm grateful for my brother who is gay because he has helped me know how to be an ally for those who don't have a voice. 

9. The Body Project: An Intimate History of Girls by Joan Jacobs Brumberg - This unleashed the feminist within me and reminded me to be intentional of what I say to my daughter, how I treat her, what toys I give her and what I watch with her. I want her to know that strong is the new pretty. I want to teach her about lookism. I'm excited to teach her (and my future son's if I have any) about powerful and courageous women and how they made a difference in our world. I want boys and girls and men and women to realize that they are a team. The mixed messages sent to girl's to look sexy for men, while at the same time be careful what you wear because we don't want to make men fall into temptation...both of these messages are dis-empowering to women and girls because it teaches them that it's the woman's job to manage the sexual desires of men. The pressures placed on women is heart-breaking. But I want to be a strong support to all women and men around me.
10. The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls - This painful story helped me own my own story. Although I'd love to change my past, I can't. But I can change myself and move forward with hope for a better future. I can choose to love and choose to forgive.

 11. A Connecticut Yankee in Kind Arthur's Court - This changed me because it reminded me that we can use our knowledge, power and education to manipulate and hurt people or we can use it to help others.   

12. Being Wrong by Katheryn Shulz - I learned about the Wisconsin Innocence Project which is a national organization that uses DNA testing to overturn wrongful convictions. I also learned how easy it is to be wrong and make mistakes. It is easy to fall into the trap of dogmatism. As Aristotle put it, "The more you know, the more you know you don't know."

13. Daring to Drive: A Saudi Woman's Awakening by Manal El Sharif  - It was an honor getting to know this woman who got arrested a few years ago for "driving while female" in her country. Now, thanks to her, the ban has been lifted. I saw parallels with her in my life.  I'm grateful for Manal and all she sacrificed for women and the country she loves. I was touched by her brother and father who eventually supported her. I'm grateful for the men in my life who are sensitive to social injustice. #HeforShe
14. Into The Wild by Jon Krakauer - "There is no happiness when it is not shared." Chris' story broke my heart. I admire him, but his story was a tragedy. I am glad he was able to touch so many lives on his journey into the wild. We would be void of hurt if we isolated ourselves, but we do need people in order for our soul to survive and they need us.

15. What's Wrong With Mindfulness (And What Isn't)? A Zen's Perspective by  Robert Rosenbaum & Barry Magid - This helped me to be sensitive to other cultures and religions and to be aware of how we often commercialize spiritual things. It also reminded me how religion is a life-long journey and cannot be obtained in a week-long workshop.

16. One Second After by William Forstchen - This book depicted people turning savage in a crisis. I don't believe that is the case but it helped me think about human nature and suffering. I honestly didn't care for this book. :)

17. The Hero With a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell - Stories, myths and symbols help us make meaning of our lives. But in our human tendency to prove everything we sometimes miss the beauty or purpose of the myth. "Wherever the poetry of myth is interpreted as biography, history, or science, it is killed. The living images become only remote facts of a distant time or sky...When a civilization begins to reinterpret its mythology in this way, the life goes out of it, temples become museums, and the link between the two perspectives is dissolved" (p.249). Some things are meant to be felt and treasured rather than proven. This mindset helps us focus on the why rather than the how.

18. Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Hal Edward Runkel - "The only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves. When we need others to accept us or validate us by doing whatever we tell them to do, we make them the caretakers of our emotional remote controls." Your children cannot push you over the edge, press your magic buttons, or bring you to the brink. They are simply not that powerful. Your emotional responses are up to you. You always have a choice."

 19. Strangers In Their Own Land: Anger & Mourning on The American Right by Arlie Russell Hochschild - This was a huge reminder to have empathy for people who think differently than me. It's okay to disagree and the relationship is more important than being right.

 20. The Sleep Sense Program by Dana Obleman - This was similar to the method we used to sleep train our daughter. Sleep problems can carry over into adulthood so it's our responsibility to help our little babies learn how to sleep on their own. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 21. The Crucible of Doubt by Fiona & Terryl Givens - This book described everything I feel and am going through. This was a good reminder of how it is okay to deal with uncertainty. It was affirming to me and what I've been going through these past few years. "With the faith that is open to any answer, we can never be sure what we will learn next. As the seed of faith sprouts and grows, we cannot know how the branches will bend or where the roots will twist" (Givens, p. 10). I'm grateful for the opportunity to lean on faith when I have doubt and ambiguity in my life.

"Imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with...That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we" (Jeffrey R. Holland, p. 82).

"Airbrushing our leaders, past or present, is both a wrenching of the scriptural record and a form of idolatry. It generates an inaccurate paradigm that creates false expectations and disappointment. God specifically said He called weak vessels so we wouldn't place our faith in their strength or power, but in God's. The prophetic mantle represents priesthood keys, not a level of holiness or infallibility. That is why our scripturally mandated duty to the prophets and apostles is not to idolize them but to uphold and sustain them 'by the prayer of the faith'" (Givens, 70).

 22. The God Who Weeps by Fiona & Terryl Givens - "while to some it is given to know the core truth of Christ and His mission, to others is given the means to persevere in the absence of certainty" (Givens, 122).

"Perhaps truly there are religious advantages to doubt. Perhaps only a doubter can appreciate the miracle of life without end." (Levi Peterson, p. 123).

"What if in our anxious hope of heaven, we find we have blindly passed it by?" (Givens, p. 120).

23. Between The World And Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates - This is an eye-opening book that was written a few years ago. It's a black father's letter to his 15 year old son about racism. It's not enough to say, "things are better now" we have to remember what happened and acknowledge what is still happening. We have to stop hurting people. Instead of saying, "I'm not racist" we could ask ourselves, "how am I racist?" I wish every American would read this book.

"The mettle that it takes to look away from the horror of our prison system, from the police forces transformed into armies, from the long war against the black body, is not forged overnight. To acknowledge these horrors means turning away from the brightly rendered version of your country as it has always declared itself and turning toward something murkier and unknown. It is still too difficult for most Americans to do this. But that is your work. It must be, if only to preserve the sanctity of your mind" (p. 98-99).

The world we live in is a beautiful and murky place. I am trying not to be blind to either of these realities. I want to be aware of the beauty and darkness--not just one or the other.

 24. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens - "I will honor Christmas in my heart...and try to keep it all the year" was Scrooge's plea for mercy to the ghost of Christmas future. Like Scrooge, I am grateful for the God who weeps for us. He trusts us so much and wants us to be kind to all of His children. 

If Scrooge can change, then so can we. Merry Christmas.


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Wednesday, November 29, 2017

My Concerns With Vaccines

One of the reasons why I chose to get a Health Science degree was to overcome my fear of doctors and modern medicine. All of us at some point in our lives are prone to be dogmatic in our thinking, I was no exception. I had the tendency to say things in a tone that sent the message that no one else's opinions mattered and neither did scientific evidence. I acknowledge that I still today have blind spots and I hope I will never stop confronting them and I continue to learn.

I knew my narrative of doctors and modern medicine needed to be tweaked. I was scared of them, but I also wanted to have the best of both worlds--the quirky witch doctor tinctures to promote longevity and also the modern advances of science that help prevent diseases and save lives.💪

Growing up, I was anti-vaccines. When I was 21 I decided to be a missionary for my church and was required to get vaccinated. Up until that time I had never had a shot. After receiving my shots I thought I was going to get sick maybe even die--I didn't. 💀

Vaccines can be spooky.👻 John Oliver describes them as scary "needles with science juice."😨

I think this is a topic that needs kindness, understanding and gentleness from both sides. Whether you are a parent talking to another parent, a doctor talking to a parent or a parent talking to a doctor, we should all attempt to convey our concerns (or disagreements) in a direct, respectful and caring way.

I am going to attempt to address each fear and valid concern I had with vaccines and I how eventually was able to make an educated decision. Studying health science did cause me to rethink how I viewed vaccines. But my motivation to know more about vaccines increased when I became pregnant. I never planned on vaccinating my kid until I had one. It was much easier to disregard vaccines when I was childless, but things change when you become a parent.👶

Concern #1: Ingredients
  • The mercury that is used in most vaccines is different from the kind of mercury that is found in some types of fish and the environment. 
  • Methlymercury is found in the environment and in some types of fish and can be very toxic to people. It is not in any vaccines and never has been. It takes an average of 70 days to be excreted from the human body. It is found in the earth's crust. Because of the build-up and the slow process of eliminating this toxic mercury from the body, it puts us in the danger zone. By just living on this planet, we will be exposed to traces of methlymercury. Infants generally ingest 360 micrograms of methylmercury before they are six months old. People can be exposed to methylmercury through air, food & drink. Although it's impossible to live on earth and be methylmercury-free the EPA and FDA make efforts to inform and protect the general public from collecting toxic amounts of it in our food, buildings, products, etc.
  • Thimerosal is a preservative which contains ethylmercury. This is used to prevent bacteria growth in the vaccine. It takes the human body seven days to eliminate this type of mercury. This is less likely to be harmful to people. The amount of ethylmercury that infants receive in vaccines is finite.
    • Thimerosal was removed from vaccines routinely given to infants except for the flu vaccine (but there is also a thimerosal-free flu vaccine option). 
    • The mumps, measles & rubella (MMR), chickenpox, pneumococcal conjugate and inactivated polio vaccine never contained thimerosal. 
    • The vaccines need to be preserved and stored. Vaccines aren't perfect but scientist are working on improving them. In the future, we'll hopefully see patches instead of needles. If the patches prove effective, then we most likely won't need preservatives in the vaccines. 
  • Aluminum
    • By the time a baby is six months old, he or she will typically ingest 6,700-10,000 micrograms of aluminum in breast milk or 116,600 micrograms of aluminum from infant formula. 
    • From birth to six months old, a vaccinated infant ingests 4,400 micrograms of aluminum from vaccines.  
    • So compared to the amount of aluminum an infant gets when they ingest breast milk or formula, the amount of aluminum in vaccines is pretty low. 
  • Living on earth is far more toxic than the ingredients we receive from vaccines. 
Concern: #2: Vaccines cause autism
  • People have claimed that the MMR vaccine causes autism due to the mercury content, but as you just read, the MMR vaccine never contained ethylmercury. 
  • In 1998 an ex-Doctor by the name of Andrew Wakefield conducted a study on 12 kids. 12 is an extremely small sample size and is not reliable. The smaller amount of participants means your margin of error will be bigger. Wakefield's study "found" that the MMR vaccine caused children to have autism. His findings were questioned when other researchers could not reproduce his results. Later they found out that Wakefield had not disclosed how he was being paid to do this study by lawyers who wanted to sue the vaccine manufactures. After his study was scrutinized they found out how he fudged numbers in his data and acted unethically. Because of the seriousness of his actions, he lost his license and is no longer a doctor. 
  • There is a plethora of studies that show that vaccines do not cause autism. But sometimes we still miss this point because we're not used to how Scientists talk. Science and English are two very different languages. John Oliver points out how when scientists say there is no evidence that shows there is a link between autism and vaccines, what they mean in plain English is they are as positive as someone can be that there is no link between autism and vaccines. 
Correlation and Causation are different
Concern #3: Vaccines are made from aborted babies
  • Right to Life of Michigan, is a nonprofit organization dedicated to educating people on right to life issues. They teach the following concerning vaccines,  
  • Jack Willke, M.D.  former National Right to Life Committee President also agrees that vaccine use is morally acceptable. 
  • Some of the current vaccines were made from two main human cell strains that originally came from two abortions in the 1960's. The purpose of these two abortions were not performed to be used for vaccine development. 
  • The law allowed this to happen in the 60's, but currently federal law is very specific concerning fetal tissue donations. Jay L. Wile, who is a Christian and also has a PhD in Nuclear Chemistry explains the current law surrounding abortions, "The law does not allow for an abortion to be performed for the purpose of donating tissue, and the law even explicitly states that the abortion procedure cannot be changed in order to collect the tissue." Dr. Wile continues, "Anti-vaccination advocates play on a person's proper moral indignation about abortion, claiming that if a person gets vaccinated, he or she is supporting the abortion industry. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Whether or not you get vaccinated, the same number of abortions will be performed, as abortions are not necessary to make new vaccines."
  •  The official position on vaccines according to the National Catholic Bioethics Center (NCBC) is the following: "One is morally free to use the vaccine regardless of its historical association with abortion. The reason is that the risk to public health, if one chooses not to vaccinate, outweighs the legitimate concern about the origins of the vaccine. This is especially important for parents who have a moral obligation to protect the life and health of their children and those around them." Along with this, the NCBC points out that, "Descendant cells are the medium in which vaccines are prepared. The cell lines under consideration were begun using cells taken from one or more fetuses aborted almost 40 years ago [now 58 years ago]. Since that time the cell lines have grown independently. It is important to note that descendant cells are not the cells of the aborted child. They never, themselves, formed a part of the victim's body."
Concern #4: There are too many vaccines given at once to infants
  • As you read above in the Ingredients section, living on this planet is far more toxic than receiving vaccines. 
  • Trump, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (an environmental attorney), Dr. Bob Sears (author and medical doctor) and others will say things like, "I'm not anti-vaccines, but..." They are concerned about giving infants and toddlers too many shots at once. I was too. This is a valid concern. 
  • Kennedy has advocated about the dangers of mercury and other ingredients in vaccines. To the best of my knowledge, I don't believe they are dangerous.    
  • Dr. Bob Sears created the alternative & selective vaccine schedule to appease parents' concerns. He has openly acknowledged that his schedule is not based on empirical evidence. So far there is no evidence showing that spacing shots out is beneficial. In fact, children are at risk of getting a preventable disease when spacing out or delaying vaccines.
  • The March 2, 2015 edition of New York Times reported how 93% of doctors stated that in any given month, parents are asking them to do the alternative vaccine schedule. 
  • Because Dr. Bob's alternative & selective vaccine schedules have gained popularity, parents are flirting with his idea. These schedules are attractive because it soothes the fear of getting too many vaccines too early (valid concern) or it helps people feel justified for skipping certain vaccines altogether. 
  • Dr. Bob's Selective Vaccine Schedule: Parents who choose this schedule will have children who may not receive the mumps, rubella, measles, flu, polio, hepatitis A, varicella (chickenpox) or a booster dosage of the pertussis vaccine.  
  • Dr. Bob's Alternative Vaccine Schedule: Parents who choose this schedule will have kids that: Won't have the flu shot until they are 5 years old, won't have the Hepatitis B shot until they are 2.5 years old and won't get the measles vaccine until they are 3 years old. In addition to this, the kids will have increased office visits to the doctor (ages 2, 2.5, 3, 3.5, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 12, 18 and 21.). These kids will most likely have decreased immunity and will have an increased risk of being susceptible to diseases.   
Concern #5: It's not hurting anyone else if I don't vaccinate my kids. Why is the government forcing me to vaccinate my kids?
If the above video clip is not working, here is the link. 
  • I have never been forced to vaccinate my kid. No one is to my knowledge. But if you want your kids in daycare or school, etc. then the institutions are justified in requiring kids to be vaccinated so they don't put the other kids at risk. 
  • Traveling is another risk because that is how diseases are spread.
  • Babies, elderly, kids with cancer, etc., cannot get vaccinated and so they depend on those who have been vaccinated. 
Concern #6: How does a vaccine work?

Final thoughts
Today LDS Charities posted an article on Facebook from this month's National Geographic Edition entitled, Here's Why Vaccines Are So Crucial. The very first line in this article points out,

"If children in poor countries got the shots that rich countries take for granted, hundreds of thousands of young lives could be saved."

This is where I'll lose most of you (if I haven't already), but the truth is that because we have this privilege in America we tend to be nitpicky about things rather than being grateful. Yes, we have every reason to question and learn and be nervous about things that are unfamiliar and scary. It's our job as parents and doctor's to think critically with each decision. But I wonder what would happen if we learned about what it's like for a child to live in Uganda, Bangladesh, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, etc. Maybe we would realize how privileged we are. 

 Our ability to prevent diseases is a blessing and a privilege. Not every child will as lucky as our children are. Are the vaccines perfect? Not at all. Are they helpful for now until we come up with something better? I think so.  

Reference
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Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Sadness & Anger are Allowed in My Home: How to Nurture an Emotionally Honest Atmosphere

A close friend shared with me how she often feels judged when she's sad and feels like others try to fix her instead of just letting her be sad. This has probably been a true scenario for all of us.

Normalizing Normal Emotions
Nobody wants people to try to fix them and no one wants to be told to be happy when they're in the midst of emotional pain. These feelings are real and when we are asked to snap out of it then it sends the message that our feelings aren't real or important. This is very invalidating. 

My husband stacked these rocks in this picture below. Whenever the rocks fall people will say, "oh no!" but my husband just grins and says, "that's part of the fun. It's okay if they fall." 

Sometimes we aren't okay with the idea of not being balanced. We want to look like we have it all together and are functioning normally. But the truth is, we fall at times and that's important to grasp because it means we're human. There is no shame in falling. In fact, it's normal and healthy!

Kayrn Hall, PhD, suggests in her article Understanding Validation: A Way to Communicate Acceptance why we mask our feelings and how to change that.

 "People may mask their feelings because they have learned that others don't react well to their sensitivity. This masking can lead to not acknowledging their feelings even to themselves, which makes the emotions more difficult to manage. Being able to accurately label feelings is an important step to being able to regulate them.

When someone is describing a situation, notice their emotional state. Then either name the emotions you hear or guess at what the person might be feeling." Hall is describing what is called Emotional Intelligence. The more emotional intelligent we become, the better we will be at regulating our emotions and building resilience.

Because my husband and I are working on being an "emotion coach" for my daughter, when she cries we are trying to stop saying, "Don't be sad." Instead, we're are practicing saying things like
  • "You're sad"
  • "I'm here"
  • "We're on your side"
  • "That's hard"
Or we try to just be silent and sit with her in her sadness. Recently, my little toddler has been having BIG feelings and having a hard time so it's been extra hard for me to practice being present and connected with her during these moments. My husband is sooo good at implementing this. But it's a struggle for me to validate the feelings of my screaming daughter. It's HARD work to live the concepts of emotional intelligence but I feel like it's a respectful and gentle way to treat yourself and others. 

Lesson's From Pooh Bear
I recently saw this meme on Facebook:
I loved this insight about Pooh, Eyeore and their friends. They love and accept Eyeore as he is. They allow Eyeore to be emotionally honest. 

This post is not about depression. But it is about creating an emotionally safe place for people when they feel any emotions. As a society, we are uncomfortable when people aren't happy. This may be because we don't like to watch people suffer or we don't know what to do. It can be awkward and tricky but as we intentionally try to let people and ourselves feel then people will not have to suffer in isolation.

Don't Freak Out
When people come to you and are emotionally honest (this includes being depressed, having *suicidal thoughts, etc) they are reaching out to you for help/comfort. Instead of freaking out (because it is scary) try to sit with them in their pain. Try to be calm, ask questions and seek for understanding. Validate their feelings and hold them (if they feel comfortable with that). When we freak out in these situations then the person (or kid) feels like they can't come to us when they're suffering. They might feel like they aren't emotionally safe with us. 

If we feel sad (or angry or lonely, etc.) then we aren't broken--we are human! So when people around us are having these BIG feelings--let them. Sit with them in their sadness or whatever feelings they are experiencing. Be present. You can validate their pain ("that sucks"). You can also sit there silently with them and accept them for who they are. 

Sigh
A lot of my friends are therapists and I've heard that sometimes they refer their clients to the Disney movie Insideout because it teaches us how all emotions have a purpose. In fact, 
Sadness can create an opportunity to connect with someone.
My husband always tears up at the end of this movie when the daughter, Riley comes home sobbing and apologizing to her parents that she can't always be their happy little girl. She honestly states how she feels--she misses her old town and friends. After this, Riley and her parents lovingly embrace and Riley lets out a healing sigh. You know that powerful sigh after you've had BIG feelings and a big cry? That sigh is the end of the emotion tunnel. It's a good feeling, but we often don't let others get that far or we don't allow ourselves to go there. 



Here is some more insight from Karyn Hall if you are having these intense feelings. Hall explains, "Being present for yourself means acknowledging your internal experience and sitting with it rather than "running away" from it, avoiding it, or pushing it away. Sitting with intense emotion is not easy. Even happiness or excitement can feel uncomfortable at times."

The Do Not's
Here's an example from the Comedian, Brian Regan on what not to do: 



This silly clip reminds us to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and try to react how we would want someone to react if it were us experiencing a hardship. 

Don't:
  • Ask her if she's on her period
  • Name all of their blessings (this might make them feel guilty for having these real feelings)
  • Tell them you know how they feel
  • Make them feel like they can't feel (have BIG emotions) around you
Then What Can We Do?
John Gottman, a renowned therapist gives these suggestions and teaches us how to emotion coach our kids in his book, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. Although this book is for parents and their children, the concepts can be applied in any relationship. Gottman says to,
  • "Be aware of a child's emotions
  • Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
  • Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings
  • Label emotions in words a child can understand
  • Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation"
Please know that there is no shame in seeking professional help. There are professionals for a reason and reaching out for help is a normal thing to do. We need to put away the stigma of getting emotional help. We let people go to the doctor when they break a leg, so we shouldn't be surprised when people reach out for emotional help. *If you are having suicidal thoughts, here is a suicide prevention hotline: 
References







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