Preface
Last year I interviewed my brother, Ben. Ben was vulnerable and brave enough to help with this post and answer my questions. Please be kind and respectful. Just pretend like Jesus or a cute baby sloth are sitting next to you while you read this.😇
Ben's answers to my questions were raw and not prepared in advance. My purpose for this post is to help people be more self-aware and sensitive to the LGBTQ community and to gain empathy for others. This is not meant to explain everyone's experience in the LGBTQ community. This is just one gay man's experience of growing up Mormon. I hope you find this insightful. Thank you Ben for your courage. Love, Sarah
*At the end of this article are resources for LGBTQ youth and their family members & friends in the context of their faith.
*At the end of this article are resources for LGBTQ youth and their family members & friends in the context of their faith.
Me: Describe your childhood
Ben: I'd say I had a pretty normal childhood...an interesting one, but I think everyone does. I have one brother and five sisters. I remember thinking that I was not normal because I liked to pretend like I was a mermaid with my friend who was a girl. I liked to play with Barbies and dolls and all the other boys were playing cops and robbers. But cops and robbers never seemed as fun to me.
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| Me (10), Ben (5) & Jordan (8) |
Who I am is not okay is what I began to think. This was when I was five or six years old.
Then when I was around six or seven years old, I wished I was a girl.
For years that was a huge, umm, secret and desire of my childhood life. My thought was that if I was a girl, then everyone would just leave me alone and let me be myself. If I was a girl then I would be socially accepted and socially understood. Don't get me wrong, growing up my life wasn't a huge drama fest. As a kid we don't think, "My life sucks!" I always had food on my plate and although I didn't always have understanding, I had love.
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| Ben (4) |
I guess the next major transition or "ah-ha" moment in my life was when I was 12. During that time I went on my first camping trip. As we were heading out I was talking with my guy friends (the other bear scouts). On those trips I never felt like I was understood and I knew I was the odd ball. I remember telling my friends that I wanted to be an opera singer when I grew up and they all laughed at me and thought it was funny. And I thought, yeah, I guess I'm kind of strange for wanting that. 😟
I went on my first [week-long] camping trip with the scouts. That was my first experience with public showers (I was homeschooled). It was also my first time being naked in front of other guys. I remember being timid and shy while I was trying hide my [body] parts because I felt so awkward. I remember one of the kids was being goofy and making a big deal out of it and I remember being sooooo uncomfortable by this experience. I was screaming inside, AHHH!! ALL THESE GUYS ARE NAKED!!😖
Me: To put myself in your shoes, this would be like me as a 12 year old Mormon girl showering with a bunch of 12 year old boys--I would have died! 😭 I didn't even like to undress in front of other girls when I was that age.
Ben: Yeah, it was pretty bad. Looking back, I don't remember an exact moment of thinking, guys are hot but that was when I began to be curious about boys. And then I do remember moments of discovery of knowing that I wasn't like the other guys while I was in community plays.
Me: To put myself in your shoes, this would be like me as a 12 year old Mormon girl showering with a bunch of 12 year old boys--I would have died! 😭 I didn't even like to undress in front of other girls when I was that age.
Ben: Yeah, it was pretty bad. Looking back, I don't remember an exact moment of thinking, guys are hot but that was when I began to be curious about boys. And then I do remember moments of discovery of knowing that I wasn't like the other guys while I was in community plays.
Me: Describe your hometown
Ben: I grew up in Pima, AZ--basically from birth to 19 years old. It's a small town in Southeastern Arizona. At least 50% of the town are from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon). It is a very conservative town. It was a really safe and a good place to raise kids. I remember being out past dark as a kid. It was an ideal area. Everyone felt safe and everyone knew everyone. It was a farming and mining town with a lot of farmers, cowboys and ranchers.
Growing up in this town there were very strong masculine and patriarchal roles. To be a guy in Pima, AZ meant you needed to be athletic, outdoorsy, macho, etc. I didn't feel like I fit into those male stereotypes.
I played the piano and did drama growing up. I struggled with this gender dysphoria. I remember going to a youth camp called Youth For Freedom and I remember that was the first time that I was truly understood on an emotional level. There was a huge level of love and acceptance there. Things they taught me there were Emotional Intelligence. I was like, okay, this is helpful--this is supportive.
I remember trying to implement principles of emotional intelligence in my groups of friends. I was trying to be that person that was there for people. As I reached out, others would reach back to me. Looking back, a lot of what I went through, was perfect for me.
I remember trying to implement principles of emotional intelligence in my groups of friends. I was trying to be that person that was there for people. As I reached out, others would reach back to me. Looking back, a lot of what I went through, was perfect for me.
Me: What were your feelings about realizing you were gay at the time?
Ben: Umm, well I don't remember having a moment of "Oh, I'm gay!" 👬
Me: Haha. Yeah, I guess that was a silly question. I know this isn't something you chose because I didn't choose to be heterosexual. I don't recall a time when I realized that I was heterosexual either so I don't know why I assumed you would know when the exact moment of "I'm gay" hit you. 👫Okay, maybe talk about just thoughts and feelings in general during your teenage years.
Ben: During puberty I started noticing that I was attracted to the male species.😏 (smiles). I remember while doing plays one of the guys put his hand on my leg and he was just goofing around.
And I remember pausing and thinking, what do I do? And he was like, "You're supposed to move my hand away--that's gay!" And I was like thinking, "oh, that's gay." Then I felt resentful, like "you're gay, you're the one who did that to me!"😒
Me: Haha. Yeah, I guess that was a silly question. I know this isn't something you chose because I didn't choose to be heterosexual. I don't recall a time when I realized that I was heterosexual either so I don't know why I assumed you would know when the exact moment of "I'm gay" hit you. 👫Okay, maybe talk about just thoughts and feelings in general during your teenage years.
Ben: During puberty I started noticing that I was attracted to the male species.😏 (smiles). I remember while doing plays one of the guys put his hand on my leg and he was just goofing around.
And I remember pausing and thinking, what do I do? And he was like, "You're supposed to move my hand away--that's gay!" And I was like thinking, "oh, that's gay." Then I felt resentful, like "you're gay, you're the one who did that to me!"😒
Me: How old were you?
Ben: I think I was 15.
Me: Since you've come out as gay, what has been helpful? What resources have had the greatest impact for you?
Me: Since you've come out as gay, what has been helpful? What resources have had the greatest impact for you?
Ben:John Gottman, Brene' Brown and Byron Katie.When I came out, my brother asked me, "Ben, what would be helpful?" I appreciated that. Sincerely asking "why?" makes all the difference. Seeking to understand me rather than to fix or change me helps me feel loved. Therapy has been healing too.
Me: How else do you feel loved?💗
Ben: Umm...I feel like people experience love in different ways. For me, love is about being accepted. Loving what is, is I guess the next level of love. Love is not about how someone behaves--it's about letting go of how we want them to respond and letting go of our expectations of how we want them to respond and accepting what is.
The people I have felt the most love from are those who support me for who I am and that's because it's easier to receive love from those who affirm you and your identity. I also receive love through physical touch and it's not just about the touch alone but it's how sincere people's physical touch is.
Touch is very healing. Someone told me a story of a daughter who was super clingy to her mom wherever she went. After some time, the mother tried something different. Instead of pushing the daughter away, the mother reciprocated that love and held her until her daughter's cup was full. And when her cup was full, the daughter wasn't clingy anymore. Love is staying with the person until their cup is full...💕not just giving them a drop. It's recognizing that they have needs and recognizing that we can give it to them. It will feel complete when it's over. This is based on the act of holding until they let go.
Me: What advice would you give to other LGBTQ youth & adults?
Ben: Timing is yours. Do not ever let anyone pressure you into anything--whether it's holding you back or pushing you forward. You know when the time to come out is right for you. There is safety in this advice--emotional, mental and physical safety.
I would not have had the safety and support I have now if I would have come out sooner than I did. For you youth, if you're out or not, you know when it's time to proclaim it to the world. Seek therapy. Seek help. Talk to someone you trust when it's time.
I would not have had the safety and support I have now if I would have come out sooner than I did. For you youth, if you're out or not, you know when it's time to proclaim it to the world. Seek therapy. Seek help. Talk to someone you trust when it's time.
Me: What advice would you give to loved ones of the LGBTQ community?
Ben: We do not feel understood. We do not get asked, "Why?" enough. Ask me what it's like to be me. Ask me about my journey. Be careful how you treat those who don't fit in. You have no idea how many people in the queer community are breaking inside and crave to be loved.
One of hardest things for me is when I came out some people would quickly try to fix me. My heart hurt so much and having people try to fix me was not what I needed. I had been reading all of the scriptures and talks that they sent me my entire life (crying). I didn't feel good enough unless I was praying to God or talking to a safe friend. I realize now that people emotionally struggle and deal with things in their own way when a loved one comes out to them.
Be careful what you post on Facebook and social media and please be careful of what kind of jokes you say. When people know I'm gay and use dehumanizing language about us [members of the queer community] it's like a jab in the front. Whether it was meant to be mean or not--it's a jab in the front. But when people don't know I'm gay and I hear them joke about gay people--their hurtful words make me feel like I'm being stabbed in the back. Not because it's mean or rude...but because they have no idea that what they are saying is about me.
Me: What advice would you give to local church leaders who have gay members in their congregation?
Ben: There's a term in psychology called the Savior Complex--it's basically when you try to save someone. That is not your job title. (Me: Right, only Jesus is qualified for that job 😉)
Ben: What church leaders can do in any situation is give a listening ear. No one will ever change because of the advice you give. No one will ever change because you logically prove to them that they are wrong. People change because they feel your love. And church leaders change because they love.
If God is love then the only thing we need to worry about is asking ourselves, "How can I love this person in front of me? How can I help them feel understood? How can I help them feel valued? How can I help their emotions feel validated?" Because when people feel validated then they make the decisions that are best for them. When it comes down to it, we are not God. We cannot claim that our relationship with God is better than their relationship with God. Christ spent most of his time with sinners. The church is a hospital. We do not want to drive away people who are struggling. Be kind. Seek to understand. Seek to love.
The Wildflower Analogy
One of hardest things for me is when I came out some people would quickly try to fix me. My heart hurt so much and having people try to fix me was not what I needed. I had been reading all of the scriptures and talks that they sent me my entire life (crying). I didn't feel good enough unless I was praying to God or talking to a safe friend. I realize now that people emotionally struggle and deal with things in their own way when a loved one comes out to them.
Be careful what you post on Facebook and social media and please be careful of what kind of jokes you say. When people know I'm gay and use dehumanizing language about us [members of the queer community] it's like a jab in the front. Whether it was meant to be mean or not--it's a jab in the front. But when people don't know I'm gay and I hear them joke about gay people--their hurtful words make me feel like I'm being stabbed in the back. Not because it's mean or rude...but because they have no idea that what they are saying is about me.
I know people aren't trying to hurt me on purpose. In fact, most people who have hurt me, have done so unintentionally. Because of this, my plea is for others to please be conscientious of what they say. Be self-aware. Remember, insensitive jokes and beliefs are hurtful for the person saying and believing them too.
Ben: There's a term in psychology called the Savior Complex--it's basically when you try to save someone. That is not your job title. (Me: Right, only Jesus is qualified for that job 😉)
Ben: What church leaders can do in any situation is give a listening ear. No one will ever change because of the advice you give. No one will ever change because you logically prove to them that they are wrong. People change because they feel your love. And church leaders change because they love.
The Wildflower Analogy
Ben: You know there is so much that we don't know about homosexuality. What it is and what it isn't. The most difficult experience about my journey is that I feel like people on both [political] sides are fighting over me and I'm in no man's land. Here they are fighting about me and all I want to do is to be my authentic self, walk on this lovely path and pick pretty wildflowers.
Ben resides in Utah. He has come out to family and friends over the years and four months ago he came out to his Facebook friends in a touching and emotional video. He decided to come out on Facebook because his heart goes out to all the LGBTQ youth who have been kicked out of their homes (a large percentage of people in Utah are homeless and most of them are youth, 20-40% are LGBTQ youth). Suicide and homelessness for LGBTQ youth is a public health crisis in Utah. From January - September, 2017 there were 425 suicides in Utah. In Utah, the youth suicide rate has tripled since 2007 and is now the leading cause of death in 10 to 17 year olds. Youth who are rejected by their family are 8 times higher at risk of suicide. Ben is trying to help the youth in Utah as much as he can through local volunteer work and also by working as a Session Director for Youth For Freedom. See resources below on how to strengthen relationships between LGBTQ youth and their families in the context of their faith.
Brene' Brown, a prominent researcher on shame, courage, empathy and vulnerability gives insight on the importance of belonging in our families in her newest book: "Even in the context of suffering--poverty, violence, human rights violations--not belonging in our families is still one of the most dangerous hurts. That's because it has the power to break our heart, our spirit, and our sense of self-worth. It broke all three for me. And when those things break, there are only three outcomes, something I've borne witness to in my life and in my work:
1. You live in constant pain and seek relief by numbing it and/or inflicting it on others.
2. You deny your pain, and your denial ensures that you pass it on to those around you down to your children; or
3. You find the courage to own the pain and develop a level of empathy and compassion for yourself and others that allows you to spot hurt in the world in a unique way"
*Resources
1. You live in constant pain and seek relief by numbing it and/or inflicting it on others.
2. You deny your pain, and your denial ensures that you pass it on to those around you down to your children; or
3. You find the courage to own the pain and develop a level of empathy and compassion for yourself and others that allows you to spot hurt in the world in a unique way"
*Resources
- The Family Acceptance Project - An intervention and education/research based project to help the LGBT community with their mental health, suicidal thoughts, HIV, homelessness in the context of their family, culture and faith. https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/
- A Mother’s experience - This article is about a mother who has a gay son and her experience of when her gay son asked if he could come to church with her and bring his boyfriend. https://www.lds.org/blog/navigating-family-differences-with-love-and-trust?cid=FB_3-22-17_OCS_CM_BLOG&__prclt=Tw6EjpH7
- Circle of Empathy – Helping LGBTQ/SAA and Straight Mormons manage sexual/gender/religious conflicts - The Circle of Empathy practice is not used to change anyone’s mind or convince anyone of anything. It is not intended to make all participants agree with one another. Empathy does not mean agreeing, it means understanding others on a very deep and sincere level. Empathy is a tool for understanding that can create a well of spiritual wisdom for us to draw from as we seek inner clarity. http://www.circlesofempathy.org/
- Ben's friend, Jodie Palmer’s coming out experience: https://jodiepalmer.com/
- Affirmation - A research-based conference and resource with the vision of fostering inclusion, awareness, healing and self-acceptance for LGBT Mormons in and out of the church.
- Work toward providing face-to-face community for LGBT Mormons in every region and country of the world where the Church has a major presence
- Foster deepened, robust, transparent, and positive engagement with LDS Church leadership that enables/enhances LGBT participation in the life of the Church, regardless of relationship status https://affirmation.org/who-we-are/our-vision/
- I'll Walk With You - LDS families supporting their LGBTQ loved one's and stories from the loved one's perspective. http://ldswalkwithyou.org/about/
- Find a Therapist in your area -https://www.aamft.org/imis15/AAMFT/Content/Directories/Find_a_Therapist.aspx
- http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865692742/Elder-M-Russell-Ballard-tackles-tough-topics-shares-timely-advice-with-BYU-students.html
- The Book, That We May Be One: A Gay Mormon's Perspective on Faith and Family by Tom Christofferson (sold at Deseret Book) https://deseretbook.com/p/cd-that-we-may-be-one?variant_id=155907-paperback
- The Book, Braving The Wilderness: The Quest For True Belonging And The Courage To Stand Alone by Brene' Brown https://www.amazon.com/Braving-Wilderness-Quest-Belonging-Courage/dp/0812995848
- The Trevor Project - The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/about/#sm.0000qndhcgwa3cz210pfh1oex00wh
- Symmetry Solutions - Life Coaching for people in faith transitions and faith crisis' - https://www.symmetrysols.com/
- Mormon Mental Health Association - https://www.mormonmentalhealthassoc.org/
- Mama Dragons - An orginzation for Mothers and parents of LGBT+ kids. They also have a Facebook Support Group. https://mamadragons.org/
- Mormon Spectrum - An organization of information and community meet up groups for everyone across the Mormon spectrum. - https://www.mormonspectrum.org/
- Mormons Building Bridges - an organization and Facebook support group for members who want to erase "us vs them" mentality and surround everyone with love--especially the LGBT+ members. - https://www.facebook.com/groups/mormonsbuildingbridges/ http://mormonsbuildingbridges.org/
References mentioned in blog post
- https://www.gottman.com/blog/
- http://brenebrown.com/
- http://www.byronkatie.com/
- https://mormonandgay.lds.org/
- lds.org
- https://jobs.utah.gov/housing/scso/documents/homelessness2016.pdf
- https://www.equalityutah.org/issues/lgbt-youth
- https://homelessutah.weebly.com/statistics.html
- https://www.gottman.com/blog/strengthen-childs-emotional-intelligence/
- https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/uk/2017/03/theres-nowhere-turn-what-its-be-gay-and-homeless
- http://www.sltrib.com/news/health/2017/09/13/seeking-to-counter-trend-utah-confirmed-suicides-for-2017-utah-on-pace-to-beat-last-years-record/
- https://www.huffingtonpost.com/benjamin-knoll/is-the-recent-rise-in-uta_b_10798286.html
- http://kutv.com/news/local/utah-youth-suicide-now-leading-cause-of-death-for-utah-kids-ages-11-17
- https://affirmation.org/who-we-are/our-vision/
- https://www.amazon.com/Braving-Wilderness-Quest-Belonging-Courage/dp/0812995848
6 comments:
Oh Sarah! Oh Ben!! I just want to hug you both right now! What a hard thing for both of you to accomplish so candidly. Thank you Ben for being willing to share, and thank you Sarah for being willing to listen. Not everyone raised in our small community has that ability, unfortunately. Thank you so much for sharing such beautiful, personal and encouraging thoughts - I pray someone will read this and find comfort and strength in their own battle with self-acceptance. Love you guys!
Thank you Tiffany! You are so sweet. Thanks for reading it. Love, Sarah
I think we all grow up learning to embrace the difference we have. All those small but significant moments of discomfort and surprise make us who we are today. It is a journey of self-acceptance, familial acceptance, and societal acceptance. There is so much work that needs to be done in each process. Wonderful story and resources. Thank you for all the work and care you have put into this meaningful piece, Sarah. This should be read by more people! Tom.
Thank you Tom. I love you and am grateful for your gentle friendship.
I loved reading this. Ben, I've loved you since you were a tiny toddler. You were so adorable and there was absolutely nothing wrong with you. Isn't it wonderful that heavenly father made us all unique. Your unique personality and perspective will bless so many peoples lives. Thank you for being so candid. I remember a youth talent show and you sang popular from wicked. I don't remember anyone else's talent but I remember yours because as you sang I thought, Ben should be proud of himself he isn't afraid to do what he loves and to just be him. You are wonderful.
Benjamin, I love you deeply and I admire you on a daily base . You're full with love and I am thankful to get to know you . Love Stephan Shaw
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