Recently, I taught my 14 month old daughter how to throw her
diaper away in the trash. She absolutely loves this daily ritual of ours. As
she toddles into the kitchen she waits for me to count,
"1…2…3!"
Then, as she drops the poopy package into the trash we erupt with
squeals of laughter as we clap our hands and then get back to making the family
room messy with puzzles and books.
Although my husband and I joke about this being our daughter’s
“chore” we know if she doesn’t do it right or doesn’t feel up to “diaper duty” then
she’s off the hook. I mean, after all she’s just a wee little thing.
But sometimes parents might find themselves unintentionally giving
their children responsibilities that the child is not physically, or more
importantly, not emotionally ready for. For instance, when Saving
Mr. Banks (the movie about the author
of Mary Poppins) was released, my husband and I went on a date to go see it and
I fell in love with it. But I noticed something…at first, I thought the father
and seven year old daughter in the movie had a great relationship, but then as
the movie continued I began to realize how the oldest child was being emotionally
parentified by her father to provide emotional support that she was not
obligated to give.
What exactly
is Parentification?
I first learned about parentification while I was in college.
It stuck with me because I’m a family science geek. Ever since then, I’ve
noticed parentification in the movies/shows I watch or in the lives of people I
know. The term parentification was heavily used and developed by many
professionals in social science, including Ivan Boszormeny-Nagy. In his book, Between Give & Take, he explained it this
way,
“Parentification is
destructive when it depletes a child’s resources and trust reserves. This
occurs when adults manipulate their offspring’s innate tendency for trusting
devotion.” (p. 419)
Nuttall, Valentino & Borkowski also shed light on
parentification in their scholarly article by teaching us the
following…
“Destructive parentification occurs when children are
expected to provide instrumental or emotional caregiving within the family
system that overtaxes their developmental capacity.”
Basically, it’s when the kid (or teenager) feels more like a
parent than a kid. I personally think emotional parentification is more prevalent
than instrumental parentification (at least here in the US).
Keep this mental note in
mind: This post is NOT intended to scare you away from giving your children
chores or caregiving responsibilities (PLEASE never stop doing that as long as
your kids are living with you). J Its purpose is to raise awareness and educate so that you can
prevent parentification.
What Instrumental Parentification is and is not
Scenario #1. When I was a kid, sometimes
my mom and dad would have me babysit my younger brothers. Although caregiving
is considered an adult instrumental task, my parents did not expect me to perform
the babysitting task as they would as adults. For instance, they might expect
to return from their date and find the hidden Breyers ice cream all eaten,
their babysitter sleeping on the couch and spilled grape soda all over the
white carpet. These are all possible situations from a tween babysitter.
Scenario #2. On the other hand, my
parents could have parentified me by expecting me to have the little boys
bathed and sleeping soundly in their beds, the house spotless, the bills paid
by the time they got home—if they got home at all that night.
What Emotional Parentification is and is not
Scenario #1. A divorced parent listens to
their kid complain about the other parent and validates their feelings.
Scenario #2. A divorced parent complains
to their kids about the other parent and shares all the terrible things the
other parent does.
How does
Parentification Negatively Impact the Child?
·
The child's developmental abilities become strained.
·
The parentification pattern may continue in future generations.
·
The child is robbed of his or her childhood.
·
The child may not trust others and therefore their future
romantic relationships will most likely be unstable.
·
The child's true gifts and talents may be jeopardized and this can
lead the child to feel ashamed.
·
The child will try to be people-pleasers, which will induce
anxiety over worrying if they are good enough for others.
·
When it’s time to move out, the child may feel guilty about leaving their parents
who are overly emotionally and physically dependent on them.
In What Situations does Parentification usually Happen?
It may happen if the child's parents are divorced, single, widowed
or unhappily married.
Another possible reason of why harmful parentification takes place
is when a parent is narcissistic, when the parent repeatedly
shames the child or is controlling.
How can Harmful Parentification be Prevented?
Most of the time, I think parents are not aware of the impact of parentification
and they usually don't realize that they are often maintaining a pattern that
quite possibly existed in their own upbringing. Although there are no easy
answers, here are a few ideas from Grace Norberg (A
Marriage & Family Therapist) to help prevent the harmful impacts of parentification at its worst:
1. Give Age-Appropriate Responsibilities
Please—please, don’t shy away from giving your little ones chores!
When a kid has a role in their family and contributes than they have a feeling
of belonging. There are many age-appropriate responsibilities to hand over to the little
tykes. As the child grows older, there responsibilities should increase in a
healthy way.
So turn on your favorite cleaning tunes and let the chores begin!
Secure a firm foundation in the home for your family by acting like the adult and being an adult—you’re the one in charge.
All decisions are your burden. You can ask your kids for their input and they
can help plan things, but the ultimate decision and hard work is your
responsibility.
3. Remember that Your Child is Not Your Friend
You have to filter the things you talk to your kids about (even
the older ones). William J. Doherty, PH.D. offers this advice in his book, Take
Back Your Kids:
Confident Parenting in Turbulent Times. Doherty advises to not talk smack about your partner in front of
your kids (he specifically is discussing divorce, but I think the principle
applies to any family relationship). He also warns not to use your children as
your personal messengers to people who you should be communicating to. This is
one of the ways emotional parentification can occur.
4. Allow Your Child to be Independent
Provide plenty of choices for your kids and encourage them to be
their own person. I remember struggling as a
teen with a choice I had to make and then going to my dad, expecting him to
give me the perfect answer. I’ll never forget what he did instead. My dad told
me that he trusted me and knew I would make the right decision. His trust meant
a lot to me and pushed me to plunge forward and figure it out. All by myself! I
felt like the little toddler on the old pull-ups commercial, Mommy, wow! I’m a big kid now!
Try to find small ways to bond with your kids as you create choices and
problem-solving experiences. It’s not the end of the world if your daughter in
first grade wants to wear her leopard pattern leggings with her plaid skirt and
camo shirt to school. Just be happy she gets to make a choice. Besides, clashy
might be the new fashion!
When Parentification is Okay
The most common example of when parentification is okay is similar
to the situation mentioned above regarding taking care of younger siblings.
Older siblings are frequently given instrumental and at times emotional
caregiving responsibilities to their younger siblings. When this can be done
without manipulation or unrealistic expectations it does little-to-no damage.
In the movie, The
Impossible, an extreme example of parentification
takes place and actually saves the family’s lives. The movie is based on a true
story about a family who survived the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami in Thailand.
Throughout the film, the little boys are asked to do impossible adult things.
And because they did them in the middle of a crisis—their family was Okay.
Another example is when children of immigrant or refugee parents
are parentified as they step up to help their family survive after their great
loss.
Remember the BIG PICTURE
The important thing to remember is to consider the big picture
principle. It can be worded in the form a question:
Am I allowing my kid to be a kid?
So, applications come in all shapes and sizes. In other words, discover
what works for you and your specific family because each situation is so
different and each child is unique.
Reflective Questions
Parenting can be overwhelming, but remember, knowledge is power! Below
are some reflective questions to ask yourself to empower your parenting skills
in helping your little ones to not grow up too fast…
·
Does my child feel pressured to fulfill adult responsibilities like
an adult?
·
Are my children given age-appropriate responsibilities?
·
Do I rely too much or at all on my child for emotional support?
·
In what ways did my parents help or hinder my autonomy as a child?
Take a deep breath. You can do this. Don’t be afraid to ask a
trusted adult for help or advice.
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