Wednesday, November 29, 2017

My Concerns With Vaccines

One of the reasons why I chose to get a Health Science degree was to overcome my fear of doctors and modern medicine. All of us at some point in our lives are prone to be dogmatic in our thinking, I was no exception. I had the tendency to say things in a tone that sent the message that no one else's opinions mattered and neither did scientific evidence. I acknowledge that I still today have blind spots and I hope I will never stop confronting them and I continue to learn.

I knew my narrative of doctors and modern medicine needed to be tweaked. I was scared of them, but I also wanted to have the best of both worlds--the quirky witch doctor tinctures to promote longevity and also the modern advances of science that help prevent diseases and save lives.💪

Growing up, I was anti-vaccines. When I was 21 I decided to be a missionary for my church and was required to get vaccinated. Up until that time I had never had a shot. After receiving my shots I thought I was going to get sick maybe even die--I didn't. 💀

Vaccines can be spooky.👻 John Oliver describes them as scary "needles with science juice."😨

I think this is a topic that needs kindness, understanding and gentleness from both sides. Whether you are a parent talking to another parent, a doctor talking to a parent or a parent talking to a doctor, we should all attempt to convey our concerns (or disagreements) in a direct, respectful and caring way.

I am going to attempt to address each fear and valid concern I had with vaccines and I how eventually was able to make an educated decision. Studying health science did cause me to rethink how I viewed vaccines. But my motivation to know more about vaccines increased when I became pregnant. I never planned on vaccinating my kid until I had one. It was much easier to disregard vaccines when I was childless, but things change when you become a parent.👶

Concern #1: Ingredients
  • The mercury that is used in most vaccines is different from the kind of mercury that is found in some types of fish and the environment. 
  • Methlymercury is found in the environment and in some types of fish and can be very toxic to people. It is not in any vaccines and never has been. It takes an average of 70 days to be excreted from the human body. It is found in the earth's crust. Because of the build-up and the slow process of eliminating this toxic mercury from the body, it puts us in the danger zone. By just living on this planet, we will be exposed to traces of methlymercury. Infants generally ingest 360 micrograms of methylmercury before they are six months old. People can be exposed to methylmercury through air, food & drink. Although it's impossible to live on earth and be methylmercury-free the EPA and FDA make efforts to inform and protect the general public from collecting toxic amounts of it in our food, buildings, products, etc.
  • Thimerosal is a preservative which contains ethylmercury. This is used to prevent bacteria growth in the vaccine. It takes the human body seven days to eliminate this type of mercury. This is less likely to be harmful to people. The amount of ethylmercury that infants receive in vaccines is finite.
    • Thimerosal was removed from vaccines routinely given to infants except for the flu vaccine (but there is also a thimerosal-free flu vaccine option). 
    • The mumps, measles & rubella (MMR), chickenpox, pneumococcal conjugate and inactivated polio vaccine never contained thimerosal. 
    • The vaccines need to be preserved and stored. Vaccines aren't perfect but scientist are working on improving them. In the future, we'll hopefully see patches instead of needles. If the patches prove effective, then we most likely won't need preservatives in the vaccines. 
  • Aluminum
    • By the time a baby is six months old, he or she will typically ingest 6,700-10,000 micrograms of aluminum in breast milk or 116,600 micrograms of aluminum from infant formula. 
    • From birth to six months old, a vaccinated infant ingests 4,400 micrograms of aluminum from vaccines.  
    • So compared to the amount of aluminum an infant gets when they ingest breast milk or formula, the amount of aluminum in vaccines is pretty low. 
  • Living on earth is far more toxic than the ingredients we receive from vaccines. 
Concern: #2: Vaccines cause autism
  • People have claimed that the MMR vaccine causes autism due to the mercury content, but as you just read, the MMR vaccine never contained ethylmercury. 
  • In 1998 an ex-Doctor by the name of Andrew Wakefield conducted a study on 12 kids. 12 is an extremely small sample size and is not reliable. The smaller amount of participants means your margin of error will be bigger. Wakefield's study "found" that the MMR vaccine caused children to have autism. His findings were questioned when other researchers could not reproduce his results. Later they found out that Wakefield had not disclosed how he was being paid to do this study by lawyers who wanted to sue the vaccine manufactures. After his study was scrutinized they found out how he fudged numbers in his data and acted unethically. Because of the seriousness of his actions, he lost his license and is no longer a doctor. 
  • There is a plethora of studies that show that vaccines do not cause autism. But sometimes we still miss this point because we're not used to how Scientists talk. Science and English are two very different languages. John Oliver points out how when scientists say there is no evidence that shows there is a link between autism and vaccines, what they mean in plain English is they are as positive as someone can be that there is no link between autism and vaccines. 
Correlation and Causation are different
Concern #3: Vaccines are made from aborted babies
  • Right to Life of Michigan, is a nonprofit organization dedicated to educating people on right to life issues. They teach the following concerning vaccines,  
  • Jack Willke, M.D.  former National Right to Life Committee President also agrees that vaccine use is morally acceptable. 
  • Some of the current vaccines were made from two main human cell strains that originally came from two abortions in the 1960's. The purpose of these two abortions were not performed to be used for vaccine development. 
  • The law allowed this to happen in the 60's, but currently federal law is very specific concerning fetal tissue donations. Jay L. Wile, who is a Christian and also has a PhD in Nuclear Chemistry explains the current law surrounding abortions, "The law does not allow for an abortion to be performed for the purpose of donating tissue, and the law even explicitly states that the abortion procedure cannot be changed in order to collect the tissue." Dr. Wile continues, "Anti-vaccination advocates play on a person's proper moral indignation about abortion, claiming that if a person gets vaccinated, he or she is supporting the abortion industry. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Whether or not you get vaccinated, the same number of abortions will be performed, as abortions are not necessary to make new vaccines."
  •  The official position on vaccines according to the National Catholic Bioethics Center (NCBC) is the following: "One is morally free to use the vaccine regardless of its historical association with abortion. The reason is that the risk to public health, if one chooses not to vaccinate, outweighs the legitimate concern about the origins of the vaccine. This is especially important for parents who have a moral obligation to protect the life and health of their children and those around them." Along with this, the NCBC points out that, "Descendant cells are the medium in which vaccines are prepared. The cell lines under consideration were begun using cells taken from one or more fetuses aborted almost 40 years ago [now 58 years ago]. Since that time the cell lines have grown independently. It is important to note that descendant cells are not the cells of the aborted child. They never, themselves, formed a part of the victim's body."
Concern #4: There are too many vaccines given at once to infants
  • As you read above in the Ingredients section, living on this planet is far more toxic than receiving vaccines. 
  • Trump, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (an environmental attorney), Dr. Bob Sears (author and medical doctor) and others will say things like, "I'm not anti-vaccines, but..." They are concerned about giving infants and toddlers too many shots at once. I was too. This is a valid concern. 
  • Kennedy has advocated about the dangers of mercury and other ingredients in vaccines. To the best of my knowledge, I don't believe they are dangerous.    
  • Dr. Bob Sears created the alternative & selective vaccine schedule to appease parents' concerns. He has openly acknowledged that his schedule is not based on empirical evidence. So far there is no evidence showing that spacing shots out is beneficial. In fact, children are at risk of getting a preventable disease when spacing out or delaying vaccines.
  • The March 2, 2015 edition of New York Times reported how 93% of doctors stated that in any given month, parents are asking them to do the alternative vaccine schedule. 
  • Because Dr. Bob's alternative & selective vaccine schedules have gained popularity, parents are flirting with his idea. These schedules are attractive because it soothes the fear of getting too many vaccines too early (valid concern) or it helps people feel justified for skipping certain vaccines altogether. 
  • Dr. Bob's Selective Vaccine Schedule: Parents who choose this schedule will have children who may not receive the mumps, rubella, measles, flu, polio, hepatitis A, varicella (chickenpox) or a booster dosage of the pertussis vaccine.  
  • Dr. Bob's Alternative Vaccine Schedule: Parents who choose this schedule will have kids that: Won't have the flu shot until they are 5 years old, won't have the Hepatitis B shot until they are 2.5 years old and won't get the measles vaccine until they are 3 years old. In addition to this, the kids will have increased office visits to the doctor (ages 2, 2.5, 3, 3.5, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 12, 18 and 21.). These kids will most likely have decreased immunity and will have an increased risk of being susceptible to diseases.   
Concern #5: It's not hurting anyone else if I don't vaccinate my kids. Why is the government forcing me to vaccinate my kids?
If the above video clip is not working, here is the link. 
  • I have never been forced to vaccinate my kid. No one is to my knowledge. But if you want your kids in daycare or school, etc. then the institutions are justified in requiring kids to be vaccinated so they don't put the other kids at risk. 
  • Traveling is another risk because that is how diseases are spread.
  • Babies, elderly, kids with cancer, etc., cannot get vaccinated and so they depend on those who have been vaccinated. 
Concern #6: How does a vaccine work?

Final thoughts
Today LDS Charities posted an article on Facebook from this month's National Geographic Edition entitled, Here's Why Vaccines Are So Crucial. The very first line in this article points out,

"If children in poor countries got the shots that rich countries take for granted, hundreds of thousands of young lives could be saved."

This is where I'll lose most of you (if I haven't already), but the truth is that because we have this privilege in America we tend to be nitpicky about things rather than being grateful. Yes, we have every reason to question and learn and be nervous about things that are unfamiliar and scary. It's our job as parents and doctor's to think critically with each decision. But I wonder what would happen if we learned about what it's like for a child to live in Uganda, Bangladesh, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, etc. Maybe we would realize how privileged we are. 

 Our ability to prevent diseases is a blessing and a privilege. Not every child will as lucky as our children are. Are the vaccines perfect? Not at all. Are they helpful for now until we come up with something better? I think so.  

Reference
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Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Sadness & Anger are Allowed in My Home: How to Nurture an Emotionally Honest Atmosphere

A close friend shared with me how she often feels judged when she's sad and feels like others try to fix her instead of just letting her be sad. This has probably been a true scenario for all of us.

Normalizing Normal Emotions
Nobody wants people to try to fix them and no one wants to be told to be happy when they're in the midst of emotional pain. These feelings are real and when we are asked to snap out of it then it sends the message that our feelings aren't real or important. This is very invalidating. 

My husband stacked these rocks in this picture below. Whenever the rocks fall people will say, "oh no!" but my husband just grins and says, "that's part of the fun. It's okay if they fall." 

Sometimes we aren't okay with the idea of not being balanced. We want to look like we have it all together and are functioning normally. But the truth is, we fall at times and that's important to grasp because it means we're human. There is no shame in falling. In fact, it's normal and healthy!

Kayrn Hall, PhD, suggests in her article Understanding Validation: A Way to Communicate Acceptance why we mask our feelings and how to change that.

 "People may mask their feelings because they have learned that others don't react well to their sensitivity. This masking can lead to not acknowledging their feelings even to themselves, which makes the emotions more difficult to manage. Being able to accurately label feelings is an important step to being able to regulate them.

When someone is describing a situation, notice their emotional state. Then either name the emotions you hear or guess at what the person might be feeling." Hall is describing what is called Emotional Intelligence. The more emotional intelligent we become, the better we will be at regulating our emotions and building resilience.

Because my husband and I are working on being an "emotion coach" for my daughter, when she cries we are trying to stop saying, "Don't be sad." Instead, we're are practicing saying things like
  • "You're sad"
  • "I'm here"
  • "We're on your side"
  • "That's hard"
Or we try to just be silent and sit with her in her sadness. Recently, my little toddler has been having BIG feelings and having a hard time so it's been extra hard for me to practice being present and connected with her during these moments. My husband is sooo good at implementing this. But it's a struggle for me to validate the feelings of my screaming daughter. It's HARD work to live the concepts of emotional intelligence but I feel like it's a respectful and gentle way to treat yourself and others. 

Lesson's From Pooh Bear
I recently saw this meme on Facebook:
I loved this insight about Pooh, Eyeore and their friends. They love and accept Eyeore as he is. They allow Eyeore to be emotionally honest. 

This post is not about depression. But it is about creating an emotionally safe place for people when they feel any emotions. As a society, we are uncomfortable when people aren't happy. This may be because we don't like to watch people suffer or we don't know what to do. It can be awkward and tricky but as we intentionally try to let people and ourselves feel then people will not have to suffer in isolation.

Don't Freak Out
When people come to you and are emotionally honest (this includes being depressed, having *suicidal thoughts, etc) they are reaching out to you for help/comfort. Instead of freaking out (because it is scary) try to sit with them in their pain. Try to be calm, ask questions and seek for understanding. Validate their feelings and hold them (if they feel comfortable with that). When we freak out in these situations then the person (or kid) feels like they can't come to us when they're suffering. They might feel like they aren't emotionally safe with us. 

If we feel sad (or angry or lonely, etc.) then we aren't broken--we are human! So when people around us are having these BIG feelings--let them. Sit with them in their sadness or whatever feelings they are experiencing. Be present. You can validate their pain ("that sucks"). You can also sit there silently with them and accept them for who they are. 

Sigh
A lot of my friends are therapists and I've heard that sometimes they refer their clients to the Disney movie Insideout because it teaches us how all emotions have a purpose. In fact, 
Sadness can create an opportunity to connect with someone.
My husband always tears up at the end of this movie when the daughter, Riley comes home sobbing and apologizing to her parents that she can't always be their happy little girl. She honestly states how she feels--she misses her old town and friends. After this, Riley and her parents lovingly embrace and Riley lets out a healing sigh. You know that powerful sigh after you've had BIG feelings and a big cry? That sigh is the end of the emotion tunnel. It's a good feeling, but we often don't let others get that far or we don't allow ourselves to go there. 



Here is some more insight from Karyn Hall if you are having these intense feelings. Hall explains, "Being present for yourself means acknowledging your internal experience and sitting with it rather than "running away" from it, avoiding it, or pushing it away. Sitting with intense emotion is not easy. Even happiness or excitement can feel uncomfortable at times."

The Do Not's
Here's an example from the Comedian, Brian Regan on what not to do: 



This silly clip reminds us to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and try to react how we would want someone to react if it were us experiencing a hardship. 

Don't:
  • Ask her if she's on her period
  • Name all of their blessings (this might make them feel guilty for having these real feelings)
  • Tell them you know how they feel
  • Make them feel like they can't feel (have BIG emotions) around you
Then What Can We Do?
John Gottman, a renowned therapist gives these suggestions and teaches us how to emotion coach our kids in his book, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. Although this book is for parents and their children, the concepts can be applied in any relationship. Gottman says to,
  • "Be aware of a child's emotions
  • Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
  • Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings
  • Label emotions in words a child can understand
  • Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation"
Please know that there is no shame in seeking professional help. There are professionals for a reason and reaching out for help is a normal thing to do. We need to put away the stigma of getting emotional help. We let people go to the doctor when they break a leg, so we shouldn't be surprised when people reach out for emotional help. *If you are having suicidal thoughts, here is a suicide prevention hotline: 
References







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Tuesday, October 24, 2017

The Art of Disagreeing

"There's something wrong if you're always right." --Arnold H. Glasgow, Psychologist 

"It's okay to disagree" has been my mantra this year. It's hard for me to be okay with disagreeing...but I'm working on it. For the longest time I felt like if you disagreed with someone then you couldn't be friends anymore. And other times I felt if I disagreed with someone then they were an idiot because if I was "right" then they were "wrong."
Ben & Jimmy are pros at disagreeing. Ben thinks you should plan 
everything one day in advance (aka: never plan) and Jimmy thinks you should plan
 everything 5 years in advance. It's a miracle that they are even 
still friends after discussing such a controversial topic!
I've come to learn that putting the relationship first is more important than being "right." And the word, "right" is often so arbitrary that there might not always be a "right" in every topic, just a different perspective because things are rarely as black and white as we may think. Our thoughts, values, emotions and experiences are valid. But just because ours are so real and valid doesn't make other peoples thoughts, emotions, etc. invalid. In my opinion, the biggest thing dividing our country, communities and families is that we are uncomfortable with disagreeing. I know I am. But I have three goals that I'm working on to help me become better at being okay with disagreeing.
Image retreved from jolenemottern.com 
Goal #1. Be Curious 
Instead of panicking when you hear a different (or scary) view, try being curious instead. Sometimes I feel like people could care less about what I think, they just want to persuade me to think how they do. For me, this is disheartening and makes me want to shut down and never share again. By being curious we could ask someone, why they think/feel that way. And if we ask them with the intent to understand them, rather than to figure out how to teach them they are wrong, then this will strengthen the relationship instead of crushing it.

Remember, curiosity is about learning from the other person's perspective--it's not about agreeing with them or getting them to agree with you. While I was talking to friend about this she mentioned how curiosity takes compassion. This is true. If we are curious then we care about the other person's thoughts. Curiosity is also the ability to let go of the strong urge to change people. This leads us to Goal #2.

Goal #2. Try to Change Yourself, Not Others
Sometimes we fool ourselves by believing that we can change people. When people are different we might be tempted to change them to ease our anxieties because they are making us feel uncomfortable. I've done this many times to others throughout my life. My little brother shared something his therapist taught him recently on this topic. His therapist explained how there are three businesses: 1. A Higher Power's (or God's) business, 2. Other people's business and 3. Your business. Sometimes we get so much anxiety over things we cannot control (others and the Higher Power). The anxiety stems from the urge to change (or control) other people's and the Higher Power's business. A huge burden is lifted when we accept that we can only control/change how we react and think. Books like The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute or ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel, MFT teach concepts on how to focus and work on ourselves instead of trying to change things that are out of our control.

Goal #3. Listen to People's Stories
I've found it easier to love and accept others when I hear their stories and experiences. When we hear people's stories we create a connection with them. When we listen with a sincere intent then people are no longer idiots to us--they become human to us. Something to keep in mind is that just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean you can't accept their feelings and stories as valid. For more tips on how to accept and validate others even when you don't agree with them, read this powerful article on this link.

Recap
By refraining from being reactive we will be better equipped to simply listen with an open and curious heart. This will strengthen relationships. Remember, we don't have to worry about where others are at, we can turn inward and focus on ourselves--our own weaknesses and growth. If you're in a bubble of like-minded people, try stepping out of that bubble into the unknown and expose yourself to different people. Listen to their stories. I believe this will close the dividing gap in our country and ultimately erase the "We vs. Them" mentality.

We need more Ron Swanson's and Leslie Knope's--people who think very differently, yet work together for the greater good.
Retrieved from digitalspy.com

And we all disagreed, happily ever after. 

References 


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Thursday, September 28, 2017

Life After Having a Baby

After a couple has had a baby it is a HUMONGOUS transition. It's all new, scary, fun, exciting and exhausting. I have compiled some personal suggestions along with some observations from parenting resources that will hopefully come in handy for new parents. Of course, every family is different and five tips won't solve all your problems--but hopefully it will lighten your stress load.

1. Breastfeeding 

If you choose to breastfeed, here are some things to expect: Breastfeeding may decrease the mother's sex desire. According to Susan Kellogg Spadt, CRNP, PhD, low sex desire during months of breastfeeding happens for a few reasons. One reason is because both parents are fatigued and probably stressed. In addition to this, estrogen levels are lower and prolactin levels increase while breastfeeding. And last of all, nursing mother's may not have the desire for sex due to the frequent physical touch and contact with their baby. The good news is that this won't last forever and your marriage isn't going to pieces, the mother just might not feel like herself until she weans her baby. In the meantime, find other ways to be intimate with your partner. 

2. Postpartum Depression

I don't struggle with chronic depression, but after having a baby I had some moments of depression. My baby went through a period of purple crying phase when she was a newborn. One day during this stressful time me and my baby were bawling and I felt like I was swallowed in a dark hole. I remember thinking, I should leave my baby and my husband and never come back. I felt guilty for thinking this and called my husband and told him to quickly come home. Another time I felt a dark fog over me and had to get out of the house so I drove to my friend's house even though it was early in the morning and we sat and talked and she was able to be there for me. Reaching out is hardest and best thing you can do when you're depressed. These feelings are normal and they don't mean you're broken or bad. Not everyone will experience this, but just know that it's normal and talk to someone you are close to about. If people offer to help--let them help and if they don't offer then ask them. 

3. Find a Niche

If you decide to be a stay-at-home mom (or dad) a niche is necessary. Remember, motherhood (and fatherhood) is one aspect of who you are--it's not all of who you are. Whether it's getting a job, taking college classes, volunteering, excelling in a hobby or having regular scheduled playdates--you will need to find something other than being with the kids for your own emotional health and sanity. Try to find something you are passionate about and something you can work towards. 

4. Schedule Alone Time

In addition to having a niche, make sure you get alone time as a couple (date night) and alone time as a parent. My husband is working part time and he's a full time graduate student and I am a stay-at-home mom. Because I'm with our daughter all day every day we have created a plan that works for us so I can look forward to my scheduled alone time--ALL BY MYSELF! Alone time and a niche can help you reset instead of resenting your partner and kids. Don't get me wrong, we still have our moments, but this is just one way to decrease scary mommy or scary daddy syndrome.   

5. Read a Parenting book together as a Couple
Below are my top five parenting books...

6. Find a Couple Project
To maintain connection with your partner, find rituals and projects to accomplish together. This can be exercising, writing a book together, building something, decorating your new house, gardening, etc. For more ideas about this, read Take Back Your Marriage by William J. Doherty



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Friday, September 22, 2017

3 tips on how to nurture intrinsic motivation within our kids


“Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.”
-Stephen R. Covey

While I was in college one of my professors once shared a story about his little girl. She was in the summer reading program at their local library which ran a reading rewards program. The more books you read the more pizza you could win. Her dad (my professor) pointed out how before his daughter entered the program she was an avid reader. He noticed how after she began reading for pizza some things started to change over time. The amount of books she read actually decreased, she found books that took less time to finish, and at times she would read the same book multiple times.

My professor’s daughter went from being intrinsically motivated (reading for the sake of reading because she wanted to) to being extrinsically motivated (reading for pizza, or any external reward).

What is intrinsic motivation?

Intrinsic motivation can be defined as that which drives someone to engage in or accomplish without fear of punishment or expectation of reward. It’s doing it because you want to—not because you depend on external factors. In Unconditional Parenting, Kohn argues that people are more likely to lose their desire to do a particular thing if they start to be extrinsically rewarded for it.

Kohn’s main emphasis is not if our kids are motivated but how they are motivated? Our goal then as parents is to help foster in our children how to be motivated from within (intrinsic) and not from without (i.e. through rewards and punishments).

Why is it important to have intrinsic motivation?

Kohn explains that when all is said and done we want our kids to have a sincere interest that continues even after the rewards run out. Kids will be more passionate and willing to pursue their interest long-term if there isn’t a shiny prize at the end of the tunnel.

Another salient aspect of intrinsic motivation is brought to our attention in the book Scientific Advances in Positive Psychology, by Warren and Donaldson. They teach that intrinsic motivation increases children’s social-emotional learning (SEL). Not only do kids with SEL have the capability to regulate their own emotions, but they are also able to empathize with others and build strong relationships.

What can we do? Well, since there are many ways to nurture intrinsic motivation in kids, we are going to focus on only a handful of ideas that parents can use with kids at home.

Here are some ways we can help kids become intrinsically motivated:

1.      Creating a Service-Oriented Home

In your home, try to create an environment of service to others for the sake of being kind. For example, it is easy to fall into the trap of rewarding kids for saying please and thank you. A child who knows something good comes after saying “thank you” starts to learn “if I say thank you I can get ….” We have then missed out on an opportunity to teach kindness for the sake of being kind. Read stories which promote service in genuine ways rather than serving in order to gain something.

Edwards and Karas convey the principle of service for the sake of service in their children’s book, A Hat for Mrs. Goldman: A Story About Knitting and Love. For older children, Mark Twain’s book, Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc can inspire kids to serve others in their family, community and country with no strings attached. Touching stories like this present great conversations afterwards.

After reading an inspiring story you can ask your kids, “why did so and so do that?” and “how can we be more like so and so?”

Another thing we can do is to instill intrinsic motivation is to give our kids opportunities to make things their choice rather than requiring them to serve others. An example of this was shown in a study published in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology. In the study five-year-olds were given a choice condition (the decision was left to them to either help another peer or not) or they were given a no-choice condition (someone in authority told them to help their peer). As a result, the study showed that the kids who were provided with freedom of choice were more intrinsically motivated and willing to help others.

2.      Be Intentional with your Messages about Failure

Dr. Carol Dweck teaches us how to use our kid’s failures as teaching opportunities in her book, Mindset. She asks what we should tell our kids after they fail. Most of the time we are tempted to protect them from failure, but Dweck argues how this could be detrimental to our kids in the long run. She goes on and shares a story about a nine-year-old girl named Elizabeth who entered a gymnastics competition. Although Elizabeth’s hopes were high, she did not win or earn any ribbons. The story ends with Elizabeth’s wise father directly and gently validating her disappointment, pointing out how the other girl’s had been in gymnastics a lot longer than she had. He also said she didn’t win because she hadn’t earned it. He told her that if she really wanted to excel in gymnastics then she’d have to work even harder.

This is not how we usually talk to our kids after they’ve failed; it’s not what comes natural after we see our own kids hurt. We must be intentional in word and action when our kids fail and resist the tendency to distract them from important lessons on motivation by saying things like “you should have won! You were way better than the other kids!”

Instead of putting verbal Band-Aid’s on our kids, find ways to be sensitive while at the same time being honest. Dweck put it this way, “Withholding constructive criticism does not help children’s confidence; it harms their future.” If a kid is intrinsically motivated they will look at feedback and failure as an opportunity to learn and grow.

On the other hand, if kids are extrinsically motivated they might internalize their failure. For instance, a kid might think, dad’s disappointed in me because I didn’t win. Alfie Kohn conveys the importance of intentional messages to our kids in his book, The Myth of the Spoiled Child. Kohn offers his opinion by acknowledging how kids might only feel valued “only when they live up to someone else’s standards.”  

3.      Praise Appropriately

Believe it or not, praise can be over-done and even harmful. Because praise is a verbal reward, we need to think about what messages our praise sends to our kids and how they internalize it. Kohn expounds on this idea by saying that it’s not about giving kids a plethora of praises, it’s about thinking about how we praise our kids. “You’re so smart/strong/pretty!” will easily slip from our lips, but it takes practice to learn how to praise effort. For example, you can say something like, “you worked so hard at mowing the lawn, thank you for helping out.”

For more in-depth tips on how to practice this, visit A Big Life Journal blog here. When praise is used appropriately kid’s intrinsic motivation begins to grow. Kohn enlightens us by expressing how verbal rewards can lead to a kid thinking that they only have your love and approval when their behavior and performances are perfect. This point stresses the importance of learning about appropriate praise and how this influences our children’s sense of who they are and where their worth comes from.

Recap
There are many resources out there on how to nurture intrinsic motivation within our kids. As we intentionally practice the above principles we enable ourselves to help our kids be more prepared for their future and more able to passionately pursue their interests and endeavors…

…because they want to.

Books & References Mentioned
  
·         A Hat for Mrs. Godman: A Story About Knitting and Love by Michelle Edwards & G. Brian Karas
·         https://biglifejournal.com/blogs/blog/praise
·         Larson, R. W., Orson, C., & Bowers, J. R. (2017). Positive Youth Development: How Intrinsic Motivation Amplifies Adolescents’ Social-Emotional Learning. Scientific Advances in Positive Psychology, 165.
·         Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Dr. Carol S. Dweck
·         Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc by Mark Twain
·         Rapp, D. J., Engelmann, J. M., Herrmann, E., & Tomasello, M. (2017). The impact of choice on young children’s prosocial motivation. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 158, 112-121.
·         The Myth of the Spoiled Child by Alfie Kohn
·         Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn



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Friday, September 8, 2017

5 Tips on How to Make a Difference

I am often motivated when I am angry. In fact, anger pushes me to be my most productive and assertive self. And when anger steps into my soul I just snap and want to build a better world right then and there--damn it! While I was reflecting on things which have transpired these past few months in the world and in my personal life I thought of a few tips/suggestions on how we can do things for the greater good. Ya know, big picture stuff.

1. Get an Education
I am so grateful I didn't quit college even though I was tempted many times to do just that. It's worth it. Getting an education does so many great things...you'll learn how to read research articles, think critically, write, network and so much more. Education and college is a great vehicle that puts you on the path to know how to make your world a better place.  

2. Teach your Children How to Treat Others
Having children--especially kind children is a great way to contribute to society. The Russia government is paying couples to have children because they know how important families contribute to the economy and the greater good. Teach your children to be inclusive, honest, assertive and how to think critically. Bullying, racism and discrimination is something learned, so be good examples and talk openly to your kids about hard topics. Let them be curious and respect them as human beings. Your relationship with them is so crucial and they will become strong people as they watch you being strong by how you treat others.  

3. Be Curious
If someone opens up and shares their view and it's shocking to you--be curious instead of judging them in silence. Simply try to understand what that person is saying and try to learn from their experiences and their point of view instead of distancing yourself from them. I have learned that once I hear someone's story I become more open. Ask them, "why?" or, "let me make sure I'm understanding you, are you saying that you think ___________?" 
Another rule to go by is to not assume that everyone is on the same page as you. So just ask them, "What do you think about _________?" But don't do this to prove them wrong, just do this if you are genuinely curious. 
Another aspect of being curious is to be aware of current events in the world. It took me a long time to care, but I'm finally to a point where I want to know what's going on and I want to help. I used to make fun of my dad for listening to NPR on the radio all the time, but now I do the exact same thing and I even look forward to running errands just so I can tune into the world and what's going on around me. The more I've learned about cultures and current events the more I care about people and what's happening to them. It's our responsibility to be aware so we can educate our children and friends and reach out those in need. 

4. Recycle 
Be kind to the earth. I started recycling while I was in college and I had someone tell me that I wasn't making a difference. How dare he! It's people like him who are making the biggest difference--for worse, not for the better. My friend referred me to a book called Garbology, Our Dirty Love Affair with Trash. This is a good read if you need some motivation in rethinking about how you treat the earth. Next time you go shopping, take re-usable bags to the grocery store and think twice before you buy something plastic that won't last. These things do make a difference. I visited my family in New England and you can see how they value the earth by their actions. It's a wonderful thing and it's not a hobby--people like them are contributing to the earth in ways we don't even know. So if you recycle, thank you! 

5. Try Taking some Action instead of just Complaining about it
If something is bothering you in your community, country or world--do something about it! Donate, join a coalition, educate others, serve, volunteer, pray, run for President, pick up trash, call the police, google resources, share a facebook post, vote, attend a school board meeting, host an event, sign a petition. There is something you can do--no matter how small it may seem.

"The rain begins with a single drop."
-Manal Al Sharif (from her book Daring to Drive. Manal was the woman who was arrested in Saudi Arabia in 2011 for "driving while female").





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Tuesday, April 18, 2017

The Family is a System

A concept which has helped me is called The Family Systems Theory by Dr. Murray Bowen. This theory is often used by Marriage & Family Therapists (MFT). It describes how a family is a system. For example, if you were to observe the operation of an air conditioning system you would notice how each piece of the complex system plays an intricate role in how the other pieces interact and work with each other. If one piece isn't working then the whole system is impacted. The family system works in a similar way.  Below is another example given by Dr. David Schnarch. He compares the family system to an ecological system:
"Think of marriage as similar to ecology. Every little part (species extinction, shrinking rain forest, oil spills, etc.) affects the operation of the earth as a whole, which in turn affects every little part. You and your spouse are complex entities made up of physiological subsystems (for example, endocrine, respiratory, excretory), as well as emotional/psychological ones (for example, unconscious process, family of origin issues, and anxiety regulation and brain functioning); in loving and living together you create a new and larger entity (marriage), which itself is part of a larger entities (extended families, communities, societies), giving rise to still larger entities...Each higher level contains parts not found in the lower one; each higher level is more than the sum of its parts or the operation of its components (p. 140)." 

When we see the family in this light, we focus on how each family deals with problems rather than the  "problem." So what does this look like in real life? A therapist will help you see this but I will briefly explain in my own words. A real-life situation might play out like this fictional scenario...

Scenario: A couple brings their "problem  teenager" who has been frequently sneaking out of the house  to a marriage and family therapist. The parents describe all the bad behaviors of their daughter and then say, "here she is--fix her!" But if you look at problems through a family systems theory lens you don't worry about "fixing" the daughter. Instead you peer into how each family member interacts with each other and how they resolve problems and stress in their family so that harmful patterns can be stopped. A therapist will try to fix the errors within the family system. Ironically, the teenage daughter could be the most stable one in the family system. She's just the only one who is visibly expressing anxiety or tension in the family system. A kid sneaking out of the house may say more about the parents and the family system than the kid. Dr. Bowen gives us more clarity on this idea by explaining it this way:

Keep in mind that conflict within the family system is normal and even healthy. It's how we resolve conflicts that counts. And if we are conflict-avoidant, then healing relationships cannot take place. 

*If you are looking for a therapist (who uses the family systems theory) for your marriage, here is a good source for sifting through therapists who have been trained in couple's counseling: http://couplestherapyinc.com/how-to-choose-a-couples-therapist/  


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Friday, March 31, 2017

They say, "Parent = Sleep Deprived." I say, maybe not.

Sleep training was a process and a journey for my husband and I. There was a lot of ups and downs. Looking back, it was pretty rough, but now my husband and I are basking in the fruits of our labors.

We named our little girl Joan, after Joan of Arc. We already notice traces of strength, independence and defiance from our little two year old. But she can also be pleasant, social and sweet.

Some have asked these questions,

"How do I get my baby to sleep through the night?" 

"How do I get my baby/toddler to take naps?" 

I usually play it safe and stay quiet instead of answering how I sleep-trained my baby. But today I am going to attempt to share what I've learned on this journey of sleep training.*

When people find out that my girl takes naps and sleeps through the night they usually praise her, but let me tell you--this was all my husband and I! This was our hard earned work! Our baby girl would never have been so easy considering her intense temperament had it not been for outside intervention.
Joan and daddy
When I was pregnant everyone warned my husband and I that we would have to say "Good-Bye" to sleep after our baby was born. We were determined to prove them wrong. So I read a lot on babycenter.com and I read On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep (2012) by Robert Buchnam, M.D. and Gary Ezzo...twice. If you do order or read this book, make sure you get the 2012 version because it is the most updated version. After my baby was born, I read The Baby Whisperer. In addition to this, I read my favorite sleep training book, The Sleep Sense Program (Third Edition) by Dana Obleman. Coupled with experiences from my baby, these are the resources I used to help her sleep on her own. Most of the time, our little girl goes to bed between 6:30-7pm and gets up around 7:30am. More often than not, she has slept through the night and napped since she was two and a half months old. This doesn't include the sick days and times she was growing or teething. This has been wonderful for our entire family. We all need sleep. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Below are some lessons I've learned about sleep training.
Baby Joan at 6 weeks old

Lesson #1 - The Whole Picture
Something which surprised me about the Baby Wise book was how it was more about making sure the baby had enough food than sleep (which makes sense because babies will sleep better with a full tummy). Whether you are breastfeeding, bottle feeding or both, just reach out to others for help if you aren't sure that your baby is getting enough food. I had sisters to help me and I also attended the Le Leche League breastfeeding support group in my town. Google them and you will probably find a support group near you. One time I even called them on the phone because I was so worried about my baby's food intake and if I was breastfeeding correctly. They might even do a home visit. So, when you try to sleep train your baby, look at the whole picture: is he/she getting enough to eat? Is he/she gassy? Does the diaper need a change? Etc.
Joan, one year old

Lesson #2 - Sleeping Props
Baby Wise says to stay away from sleeping props (things your baby depends on in order to fall asleep). The most common sleeping props are rocking your baby to sleep, nursing your baby to sleep and driving in the car to get your baby to sleep. I'm not saying to not rock, nurse or drive your baby places, just don't rely on that to get him/her to sleep. Don't get me wrong, I have used all of these at some point to get my baby to sleep. We bounced and bounced her on the yoga ball for months and then I'd lay her down and she would wake up. I remember thinking, is there more to life than this? I don't want to spend the rest of my life on this yoga ball. For a period of time I would nurse my baby to sleep if she woke up in the middle of the night.

With sleep training you are constantly tweaking things as you go because your baby is constantly changing (teething, growth spurts, etc.). 

But, I do use sleeping props and I'm okay with it because as long as the baby can still be in the crib by herself and fall  asleep on her own with them (not depend on me to fall back asleep), then I don't worry about it. My daughter has a blanket, a binky and later on we brought a small fan into her room (for white noise). Joan didn't always want a binky but I kept at it and eventually found a size she liked. (In The Sleep Sense Program it discourages binky's. Mainly because it it falls out of your infants mouth then they will cry 1-6 times during the night and wait for you to put it back in). This happened a couple of times to us but not enough to create a problem. So binky's when putting your little one to sleep, might not be the best idea, but it's up to you. So far, it's been fine for us, but I haven't decided if I want to use one to help my next baby sleep or not.

Lesson #3 - Tuning-in to Your Baby's Cries
My baby cried a lot. But she wasn't always crying because she was hungry. She was gassy, or stressed, or had a poopy diaper, or a diaper rash, or she was uncomfortable, or wired or tired, or in pain. I began to notice that her cries sounded different depending on what she needed. If I had no idea why she was crying (which happened a lot), then I tried to cover all bases to see what she needed. Remember, "Emotional tears actually eliminate chemically activated stress hormones from the body" (Buchnam & Ezzo, 2012, p. 138). This means that tears are normal and even healthy not only for babies, but for everyone.

Lesson #4 - Schedule
Holy cow--Baby Wise is a bit rigid when it comes to a feeding and sleeping schedule. But my take away from that section was:
  • Lay my baby down when she is still awake so she can learn to sleep on her own. Baby Wise calls this Feed Wake Sleep and Baby Whisperer uses this method as well.
  • Try to feed her at the same time every morning and put her to sleep at the same time. 
  • When your baby starts sleeping through the night, expect growth spurts to occur every so often (when the baby is growing, he or she will need more food so don't get discouraged if your schedule gets a little out of whack every now and then). 
Lesson #5 - Routine 
The Baby Whisperer talks about routines. As our daughter got older we made a nap and bedtime routine by reading books to her before we put her to sleep. Then my husband or I would pop her binky in her mouth (if she wasn't already sucking on it) and say, "Good night," lay her in her crib, walk out of her room.

Lesson #6 - Sleepy Spectrum & Sleepy Cues
Babies are funny. Unlike us, the more tired they get the more wired they get as well. It's harder to get them to sleep the longer we wait to put them to sleep. On babycenter.com I remember reading an article about infant sleep patterns. In the article it said to picture your baby having a sleepiness spectrum. Instead of laying the baby down when they are asleep (being a 10 on a 1 to 10 sleepiness spectrum), try to lay them down when they are at 7 or 8, they are tired, but not out cold in your arms.

Another thing I learned in Baby Whisperer was to notice the child's sleepy cues. I had nap times and bedtimes for my baby girl, but if she was tired before that time, then I would lay her down right then. Her sleepy cues currently are rubbing her eyes, nestling her head into her blanket and crankiness. The book says the moment you see the sleepy cue, scoop them up and put them to sleep.

Lesson #7 - What if the Baby Resists?
Most of the time, I can lay my little girl down with her blanket and binky and she won't make a peep while she rolls over and goes to sleep. But of course there are times when she resists. But you are the parent, you will know what to do. Personally, if I put my baby in her crib and she screams, I usually get her out and let her re-set. While I get her out I'll hold her or read her another book to calm her down (because she usually won't go to sleep when she's worked up). I might do this a few times. Sometimes I will let her whimper or scream and if she doesn't fall asleep in 10 minutes or so, I will go get her, hold her, or give her some milk and try again. But, (key point) she is almost always awake when I lay her down.

Nighty-night, sleep tight! 

 *DISCLAIMER: I don't know it all. I am no expert. There is not one way to sleep train a child/baby. How you sleep train will depend on your baby's temperament, your personality and you and your husband's parenting styles. Also, keep in mind that I am an amateur mother who has only one child and I am a stay at home mom. Everyone's circumstances are different. The contents in this blog post are things that worked for my family...it may or may not work for yours.

References


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