“Motivation
is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you,
chances are it will burn very briefly.”
-Stephen
R. Covey
While I was in college one of my
professors once shared a story about his little girl. She was in the summer
reading program at their local library which ran a reading rewards program. The
more books you read the more pizza you could win. Her dad (my professor)
pointed out how before his daughter entered the program she was an avid reader.
He noticed how after she began reading for pizza some things started to change
over time. The amount of books she read actually decreased, she found books
that took less time to finish, and at times she would read the same book
multiple times.
My professor’s daughter went
from being intrinsically motivated (reading for the sake of reading because she
wanted to) to being extrinsically motivated (reading for pizza, or any external
reward).
What
is intrinsic motivation?
Intrinsic motivation can be
defined as that which drives someone to engage in or accomplish without fear of
punishment or expectation of reward. It’s doing it because you want to—not
because you depend on external factors. In Unconditional
Parenting, Kohn argues that people are more likely to lose their desire to
do a particular thing if they start to be extrinsically rewarded for it.
Kohn’s main emphasis is not if our kids are motivated but how they are motivated? Our goal then as
parents is to help foster in our children how to be motivated from within
(intrinsic) and not from without (i.e. through rewards and punishments).
Why
is it important to have intrinsic motivation?
Kohn explains that when all is
said and done we want our kids to have a sincere interest that continues even
after the rewards run out. Kids will be more passionate and willing to pursue
their interest long-term if there isn’t a shiny prize at the end of the tunnel.
Another salient aspect of
intrinsic motivation is brought to our attention in the book Scientific Advances in Positive Psychology,
by Warren and Donaldson. They teach that intrinsic motivation increases
children’s social-emotional learning (SEL). Not only do kids with SEL have the
capability to regulate their own emotions, but they are also able to empathize
with others and build strong relationships.
What can we do? Well, since
there are many ways to nurture intrinsic motivation in kids, we are
going to focus on only a handful of ideas that parents can use with kids at
home.
Here are some ways we can help
kids become intrinsically motivated:
1.
Creating
a Service-Oriented Home
In your home, try to create an
environment of service to others for the sake of being kind. For example, it is
easy to fall into the trap of rewarding kids for saying please and thank you. A
child who knows something good comes after saying “thank you” starts to learn
“if I say thank you I can get ….” We have then missed out on an opportunity to
teach kindness for the sake of being kind. Read stories which promote service
in genuine ways rather than serving in order to gain something.
Edwards and Karas convey the
principle of service for the sake of service in their children’s book, A Hat for Mrs. Goldman: A Story About
Knitting and Love. For older children, Mark Twain’s book, Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc
can inspire kids to serve others in their family, community and country with no
strings attached. Touching stories like this present great conversations
afterwards.
After reading an inspiring story
you can ask your kids, “why did so and so do that?” and “how can we be more
like so and so?”
Another thing we can do is to
instill intrinsic motivation is to give our kids opportunities to make things
their choice rather than requiring them to serve others. An example of this was
shown in a study published in the Journal of
Experimental Child Psychology. In the study five-year-olds were given a choice condition (the
decision was left to them to either help another peer or not) or they were
given a no-choice condition (someone in authority told them to help their peer).
As a result, the study showed that the kids who were provided with freedom of
choice were more intrinsically motivated and willing to help others.
2.
Be Intentional
with your Messages about Failure
Dr. Carol Dweck teaches us how
to use our kid’s failures as teaching opportunities in her book, Mindset. She asks what we should tell
our kids after they fail. Most of the time we are tempted to protect them from
failure, but Dweck argues how this could be detrimental to our kids in the long
run. She goes on and shares a story about a nine-year-old girl named Elizabeth
who entered a gymnastics competition. Although Elizabeth’s hopes were high, she
did not win or earn any ribbons. The story ends with Elizabeth’s wise father directly
and gently validating her disappointment, pointing out how the other girl’s had
been in gymnastics a lot longer than she had. He also said she didn’t win
because she hadn’t earned it. He told her that if she really wanted to excel in
gymnastics then she’d have to work even harder.
This is not how we usually talk
to our kids after they’ve failed; it’s not what comes natural after we see our
own kids hurt. We must be intentional in word and action when our kids fail and
resist the tendency to distract them from important lessons on motivation by
saying things like “you should have won! You were way better than the other
kids!”
Instead of putting verbal
Band-Aid’s on our kids, find ways to be sensitive while at the same time being
honest. Dweck put it this way, “Withholding constructive criticism does not
help children’s confidence; it harms their future.” If a kid is intrinsically
motivated they will look at feedback and failure as an opportunity to learn and
grow.
On the other hand, if kids are
extrinsically motivated they might internalize their failure. For instance, a
kid might think, dad’s disappointed in me
because I didn’t win. Alfie Kohn conveys the importance of intentional
messages to our kids in his book, The
Myth of the Spoiled Child. Kohn offers his opinion by acknowledging how
kids might only feel valued “only when they live up to someone else’s standards.”
3.
Praise
Appropriately
Believe it or not, praise can be
over-done and even harmful. Because praise is a verbal reward, we need to think
about what messages our praise sends to our kids and how they internalize it.
Kohn
expounds on this idea by saying that it’s not about giving kids a plethora of
praises, it’s about thinking about
how
we praise our kids. “You’re so smart/strong/pretty!” will easily slip from our
lips, but it takes practice to learn how to praise
effort. For example, you can say something like, “you worked so
hard at mowing the lawn, thank you for helping out.”
For more in-depth tips on how to
practice this, visit
A Big Life Journal blog
here. When
praise is used appropriately kid’s intrinsic motivation begins to grow. Kohn
enlightens us by expressing how verbal rewards can lead to a kid thinking that
they only have your love and approval when their behavior and performances are
perfect. This point stresses the importance of learning about appropriate
praise and how this influences our children’s sense of who they are and where
their worth comes from.
Recap
There are many resources out
there on how to nurture intrinsic motivation within our kids. As we intentionally
practice the above principles we enable ourselves to help our kids be more
prepared for their future and more able to passionately pursue their interests
and endeavors…
…because they want to.
Books & References Mentioned
·
A Hat
for Mrs. Godman: A Story About Knitting and Love by Michelle Edwards & G.
Brian Karas
·
Larson,
R. W., Orson, C., & Bowers, J. R. (2017). Positive Youth Development: How
Intrinsic Motivation Amplifies Adolescents’ Social-Emotional Learning. Scientific
Advances in Positive Psychology, 165.
·
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Dr. Carol
S. Dweck
·
Personal
Recollections of Joan of Arc by Mark Twain
·
Rapp, D.
J., Engelmann, J. M., Herrmann, E., & Tomasello, M. (2017). The impact of
choice on young children’s prosocial motivation. Journal of
Experimental Child Psychology, 158, 112-121.
·
The Myth of the Spoiled Child by Alfie Kohn
·
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and
Punishments to Love and Reason by
Alfie Kohn
